LUCARIAH

The One Where I Regret

(Evan pov)

    I don't know what I was thinking when I asked Samantha to give me my son. I don't know what I was thinking as I drove him home.

But I know one thing for sure; Lucariah is a lot more than I bargained for. A lot of the things I have now are more than i bargained for actually.

I'm beginning to regret my life as of now. My children can't stand each other. My wife won't talk to me. And I've got my ex breathing down my neck for not taking care of our youngest son.

This is not the happily ever after they talk about in the stories. This is messy. This is life.

But why can't it be like the stories? If that were the case Samantha and I would have never left each other. If that were the case Samantha's first love wouldn't have killed himself and I wouldn't have ever felt like the second option.

All my time with Samantha I always felt like I had to fight for my position in her heart. And when that didn't work, I just fought with her. And we fought until we snapped.

I always felt like a second option. When I was a child. In my first marriage. The boys liked their mother more than me. And lately, Lith's distance is weighing heavy on my heart.

Making me angry. I loose my temper faster, and all I seem to do is push her further away. I don't want to be her second option, but I know she only needed me for a time. And that time is quickly coming to an end.

When it does, I'll have to take Luca and leave.

  Luca.

I don't know what to do with that boy. He's not the little boy I left behind. Though, I can only assume time has weathered his heart. Turned it rotten.

   And all that's left is this troubled boy, with a cold exterior, and a hole where his heart should be.

Or maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I'm the one with the cold exterior and hollow chest. Maybe I'm the one who passed on a trait to my children that caused them to be the way they are.

Cold, ruthless, spiteful.

Or maybe that was something they grew to learn. That love gets you nowhere, and in the end you're left in the ruins of something that once was.

Jericho sat beside me, a steaming cup in his hand. I'd invited him over early this morning; fearing what I'd do if it were just me and Luca.

   The anger I felt when Samantha told me she was collecting him from jail was beyond comprehension. Anger that flared when Lith's sister called asking why her three year old was out so late with a group of children.

   No adult in sight.

   I'd already tossed the kid into the backseat of my car, had I put my hands anywhere near him again, I feared I'd come to regret what I'd done.

   The two of us sat at the dining table, listening to the tap, tap, tap of his computer as he worked. He mumbled plans about picking up Blair from her father's house, "maybe I'll take Luca with me."

   He settled his calculating gaze on me. His mother's eyes stared back at me with a question.

   I nodded, stealing his cup off the table, "I think that's for the best. Maybe you can host a sleepover at your place. Take them to school in the morning. You're not taking Natarie?"

   He shook his head, snatching the cup out of my hand before I could take a sip and settling it opposite his computer; preventing me from taking it again. "Sophia lets her get away with too much. She drew on an important document last week, led to our first argument as a married couple; kid's a terror."