𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐌𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐋𝐞𝐟𝐭

22- Irrational

14th August 1910
Kiran

Pull back the arrow on the bow...
Three fingers...
Keep it level...
Don't shake...

The arrow falls out of the bow.
For the tenth time.

I squeeze my eyes shut and sigh as I pick it up again, putting it on the bow, and it immediately falling out again.

I knew I was bad, but I never really thought I was this bad.

I don't even know why I'm out here. Its raining hard- yet another day of this... Bullshit.
See, I can't even describe it now.

I miss Nyx.
But she's not even really gone.

See, that's what makes it bullshit.

The beautiful winter bites at my arms, my cheeks flushed pink with cold. I glance up at our window, where she probably is.

Exactly as I thought. The curtains drawn shut.

I want to talk to her. Like, now.

I grumble and drop the bow on the floor, and trudge through the snow up to our room. The marble coating of the whole building feels like an ice castle, even though there are fireplaces everywhere.

Finally, I reach the chambers. I glance over at what used to be Grayson's and Lucas's.
The doors open, and maids are changing bedsheets and cleaning.
I gulp.
See, this is why I need to get back on her side.

No messing around, just get in there, talk to her, and everything's cool again. That's all I need to do.

I place a shaking palm to the wood of the door, take a deep breath and push it open.

She glances up from the couch, and avoids eye contact, "hey..."
"Are you... Okay?"
She gives me a nod and turns back to something she's doing. She has a peice of paper and she's writing something with a quill on it, resting the page on the coffee table, and dabbing the feather into the ink now and again.
"What are you writing?" I ask, moving a little closer to her.
"Letter."
"To who?"
"Father. Seeing what happens."
I completely forgot about that.

I gulp. Maybe I should just try and get it all out at once? Maybe I should just-
"Sorry," she mutters, not looking at me.
I tilt my head, "what?"
"Sorry for kissing you-"
"Why are you sorry?"
"I go by what I said, it was irrational." She still doesn't look up at me. She just keeps writing.
"But I wanted it."
She pauses, and says, "so do I, but that's not the point-"
"What is the point, then?"
"The point is to survive." She scrunches up the paper, tosses it aside  and takes another.
"What if both can coexist?"
"Me and you and surviving?"
I nod.
"But that only gives you less of a chance to survive. Take you can Luca, for example."
My expression hardens, "what about me and Luca?"
"Your weak because Felix tore you away from him."
"That's not the reason."
"Well it's one of them,"
I cross my arms, "so your saying having a 'friendship' weakens you?"
She nods.
"Well, what about Grayson and Lucas?"
She stops writing for a minute.

"They were enemies, and they died because of it."

She still doesn't answer.

I keep talking.

"Nyx, you need to understand that you don't have to be strong all they time, I saw you back at the ruins-"
"Like I said, it was irrational."

I sigh, running a muddied hand down my face. I run it through my hair, probably leaving dirt through the white strands.
I don't know what to say to her.

Of course I know I can't make her like me, but there's always that small part of me-
What on earth am I talking about.

"Well I don't know what to fucking say,
Kiran."
I gulp at how aggressive her words were.
"Just..." I pause, "Do you remember the first time we met? When Felix introduced us?"