Oh.
Trapped between the railing and Lorenzo Berkshire, there is only one thing I can't do.
Kiss him.
Kiss him back.
I can't do it.
No matter how much I want to.
I cant kiss him back.
My inner dialogue has never been so conflicted, so confused, so ready to indulge in harm.
His lips are warm and soft against mine, they feel better than I was ever capable of imagine.
Yet,
I don't kiss him back...
Not because I don't want to.
But because this can't be how it happens.
I feel my lips grow cold again as his leaves mine, and I bite my bottom lip.
I didn't want him to stop, but what else could he possibly think. His breath is laboured, and I can't bear to look at him. Instead I look at the floor, his shoes. I feel his head dropping down, his arms tensing before letting go of the railing. He takes a few steps back, the deafening silence of the night making his footsteps painfully loud and leaving an empty space where his breath was. I want it back. It was pathetic, I was so pathetic, wishing for a lover in someone who shan't ever love me.
I still refuse to look up at him, and I'd rather let my body fall back, over the railing than speak to him, because Im sure the only thing that would actually leave me would be tears. What am I doing? Isn't this exactly what you wished for?
It was. There was nothing I wanted more, but I couldn't. It would be a betrayal to my friends, to my morals, to myself.
I felt my throat grow tighter. I hadn't realised how much I craved him until I had lost him. Im snapped out of my own self-indulgent dialogue by his footsteps, disappearing down the stairs and all I can do is catch a glimpse of his back before I am utterly and completely alone.
I should be angry, furious, enraged even that he would kiss me, but instead I felt my bottom lips start to quiver as the feelings I had shunned dawned down on my shoulders. Im not even sure if this is a moment of acceptance or further denial. I beg for neither. I beg for blissful ignorance but Im begging for impossibility, and Im painfully aware.
My hand goes to my lips, my fingernails digging into the flesh, picking at the skin, as if Im unsure they are real, that they can be trusted.
As the reality of the situation starts to daw on me with my shut down emotions, one prate rings in my head louder than the others.
I DID THE RIGHT THING, RIGHT?
I must have, I didn't kiss him back. I did what I was supposed to, what else could be asked of me. I plead to myself as I try to distract myself from the guilt and regret, but most of all the wish for him to come back and kiss me again.
Did I do the right thing?
For whom was it right?
It's too late now anyways. This is for the better.
For whom?
My legs betray me too as I slide onto the stone flooring my back against the railing and my vision slowly blurring.
YOU ARE READING
Snakes that bite
Fanfiction"Snakes are special. Most of them are harmless of course, but there are some that are so venomous that they will kill you before you even know you were bit. That's the kind of snake Lorenzo is." #1 berkshire This is a Enemies to lovers fan fiction a...
