THE H WORDS

Problems

I wish I could go back to being emotionless.

To being in a constant state of numbness.

That way I wouldn't have to feel the pain of my unrequited love for you.

That way I would never feel sadness

And cry at the smallest things.

But then I guess I wouldn't feel happiness either.

But honestly?

It seems a small and insignificant price to pay.

Because then I wouldn't be agonizing over how little you text me now

How you never call

How you said you didn't want me to visit you.

Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I feel numb naturally

Though I usually feel like crying for a couple of seconds before becoming that way again while it lasts.

I want to go back to when I was younger

When the only times I cried was when an animal died.

I wish I could go back to when I was younger

When I was pretty

And skinny.

Now I'm older

And fat

And ugly

And I can't do anything about it

Because I hate doing the things that can fix it

Because I have no discipline

Because I'm lazy

Because I love food

Because I can't do makeup everyday

Because I have no money to get plastic surgery.

I wish I could go back to being emotionless

So I wouldn't worry and cry over the future.

I'm almost eighteen.

I graduate high school in May.

And I truly feel I have no purpose outside of school.

People have been continuously asking if I'm going to go to college.

My answer each time is the same:

"Theoretically? Yes. Realistically? Not a chance."

I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck inside, living with my parents my entire life.

The only counteract I had planned for this was to travel the world with the boy I fell in love with

But then he found another to share that dream with.

I feel I don't have a purpose in this world

And I fear I never will.

I know these are seemingly problems of little importance for most

I'm aware.

But they are momentous for me.

I wish they could solve themselves

But they can't.