Farryn

Finale

Hello there. I am... twenty-eight now, and though I have no last name, I have a family. It's a strange family, not the one I wanted when I was sixteen, but a family nonetheless. I think that's the most important thing.

Luli dragged me from death's door that day at the hospital. She dragged me away many times after that. When I turned twenty, and Sireglow made a reappearance. When we fell on bad luck and lost the room we'd been allowed to rent, when we were robbed of our meagre savings. It has been such a struggle at times, but she is stronger than I ever was and possibly ever will be. I am sorry that I'm the reason she's had to grow so strong. But I am as proud as I dare to be.

It took a lot for us to get here; for me to get here, sitting in front of this tiny hearth, writing this letter. Ada's family took us in; even Claud. He started working with Sivil's, and I helped her mother in the bakery. She was a strict woman, but she was kind, and Luli and I never went hungry under her charge. I learnt so much from them.

As much as I appreciated them, I knew I could not tie myself to Isev. The ground is too soaked in blood. I had to leave. Claud insisted on following. He will never admit it, but he thinks he owes his life to me. The doctors told me if we had been a minute later he would have bled out. It took him almost a year for him to recover, and he still has breathing problems sometimes.

He followed us when we finally left Isev, two years after we arrived. He drove the cart in shifts with me and taught Luli how to tumble. She broke her arm one time, and I was so angry at him, but of course he didn't see the 'big deal'. I seriously considered killing Claud myself back then.

I didn't know where I wanted to go. Nowhere felt like home. Losing Liviana was like being thrown out to the waves, and all the new homes I found were on tiny islands being eroded by the water. Unstable and unreliable. I have felt lost for most of the past decade. At first, I thought I could just keep on wandering. My father's people were nomadic. Maybe I could do it too. I adopted a lot of Surqi traditions in that time, trying to somehow get closer to my heritage.

But Luli was growing older, and I knew that dragging her across the kingdom was no good, so we found a storefront in Hafan. I try not to think of how close my family home is from here, but sometimes all I can do is lie awake remembering. Remembering our little garden, my nursery that looked out onto the road... I opened a little bakery with what knowledge and money I had from Madam Karna. It took a long while to get it off the ground, but it was good enough. I make all the pies Luli could possibly want now.

Luli. She's going to school. She's very smart, and the teachers tell me she might get a sponsorship to become a part of the Queen's choir, singing at all her state functions and ceremonies. I'm ashamed to say that I never noticed her voice growing so powerful, so strong. It just became a constant backdrop to our travels. It isn't soft and light, not angelic. It's potent and forceful and resilient, just like her. The teachers can't figure us out, and neither can I. She calls me Farryn. I call her Luli. Maybe that's all we are. Farryn and Luli, Luli and Farryn.

So here I am, sitting, waiting for her to return from her audition for the sponsorship. It is starting to rain, and I hope she can make it before it gets too bad. I have a huge slice of lemon pie here for her. She's taller than me now, somehow. Sometimes it scares me. I'll look up from the stove and see her silhouette in the doorway, and my heart will freeze in my chest, or I'll be in the pantry getting ingredients and she'll shut the door on me as a joke. Serval has been dead and gone for years and she isn't coming back, but I feel she still haunts me. Not like before, of course. But I know her soul is not settled. I can accept that.

They looked into her murder for a while, but eventually ruled it to be a random act of violence. I stood there in the courthouse as they cut off the strings connecting us once and for all. I know it's foolish that I'm still afraid of her, but I have learned to live with my foolishness.

I have also learned to live with my grief for my sister. She isn't dead, just gone, but I suspect I am dead to her. Memories wax and wane in my mind, and though I do not think Mother was a terrible person, I know she was woefully inadequate in caring for Liviana. She let her own fear and prejudice cloud her judgement. She was kind, but at the end of the day, she was a coward. She should not have hidden Liviana away, and she should not have left her behind. I should have tried harder too, but I couldn't, because I was only a child. Livi was only a child too. It was all unfair.

I give her the peace she asked for, even though some days I want to barge back into that house and demand she love me. I don't. I've learned that... You can't force love. I live with the silence, and I've learned to love the little pit in my stomach. It can't be filled, but it doesn't have to be.

I do not know who I am writing this letter to. Some nights I tell myself the letters are for Liviana. Other nights they are for Rin, for Mother, even Serval. But I think these letters are really for me. To somehow... process everything. So, hello, Farryn. It embarrasses me to say this, but I love you, and I'm proud of you. I hope you're proud of me too, even though I'm making a lot of mistakes. I burnt two whole pies today, what with how nervous I am for Luli! One of the pies was Claud's though, and he doesn't dare complain since they're free. I'm considering rescinding that perk though... his engagement party is next month and he's come in every day to order a new pie for his fiancée to taste. She thinks I'm a wonder, that girl, and nowadays I find it harder to disagree. I definitely sound conceited now, but I'm allowed to. It's still hard for me to be proud of myself.

I hear singing at the door. Luli must be back. I'll let her in and she'll track mud in and toss her coat on the floor. If Luli is one thing, she is messy. I spend half my evenings cleaning up after her or telling her to come tidy up. But I don't mind cleaning up for her sometimes. I guess that's the difference between her and Serval.

Well, thank you Farryn, for reading this. I'll be going to let her in now, and then we'll eat and she'll talk my ear off about her audition. Take care of yourself, take care of Luli. Goodbye.