Family Matters

7 | Pariah

Ryan stared at the ceiling for a minute, brain on overload, before he registered Chris' question. Very nonchalantly, he said, "I'm bi."

"Since when?"

He shrugged. "Whole life? Isn't that how it works?"

"You know what I mean." Chris replied.

Ryan readjusted, sitting up properly in a kind of 'I guess we're doing this' manner. "Few years. For awhile, I thought I was just one of those people that was gay when they got drunk."

"That's not actually a thing, you know. Those are just people that haven't admitted it to themselves."

"Well, yeah, I know that now. I wish I had figured it out earlier, but shit happens. Can't change it now. I don't have time to date anymore anyways. I mean, Jani would be fine if we went back on the road, he's old enough to take care of himself, but," Ryan sighed, "When shit like this happens..."

"Isn't that all the more reason to want a relationship? You'd have someone at home you could trust with him."

"It's more than that. I've already dumped so much shit on that kid as is. We've never even talked about his mom. Fuck, he's barely used to me being around now. I can't bring another person into that."

Chris refrained from all the things he was actually thinking. The whole 'not dating' thing with single parents was for people like him, with literal children that just lost their other parents, not teenagers that've been without a parent for most their life. But, Ryan knew his own son far better than Chris did.

"Did you ever tell Jani you're bi?" He asked.

"No. I was going to, but... Lately I'm starting to suspect he might be gay, and if I'm right, I don't want to upstage his coming out."

"Might make it easier on him."

Ryan scoffed, "You don't know Jani. Somedays, I feel like I barely know him." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone as a thought came to him. Ryan opened his text chat to Justin, prepared to send questions about Alex. He stared at the empty text field on the screen for a second longer before locking it. "And I still don't know how to be a good parent."

"Ryan," Chris forced an ironic laugh, "I'm not the person to say that to. You spent the last couple of months taking care of my kids full time because I couldn't. You're a way better parent than me."

"You made the right call. The wrong call would've been forcing yourself to take care of them when you weren't mentally stable. You might think kids don't notice that shit, but they do."

"They lost their father. I should've been worrying about them, not myself."

"Chris. Don't make me repeat myself. You did the right thing. And they might've lost their father, but you lost the love of your life, very suddenly and tragically. The girls have been just fine. That's what they have their uncles and their grandparents for."

He went quiet, and for a moment, Ryan was worried he pushed too far. Chris was focused on the tattoo on his wrist. Among all the oversaturation of goth and horror ink, there was a terribly drawn black cat tucked away on the side of his hand. It was about the only free space he had left on his arms. Somewhere else on his legs, he had more of his daughters' drawings, and worked into the haunted house on his chest, Ricky's name was tattooed over his heart.

"Do you think I'm okay enough to see them again?" He softly asked.

Ryan was taken back. "Why're you asking me?"

"I don't trust myself with that decision. I trust you. You've always been good at seeing people for who they are."

He thought about it. "Let's give it a few more days. You haven't been out very long."

"You're right... I know I'm not right right now, but, thank you for acting like I'm still a person and not a pariah. You let me be around your kid. You let me be alone," He spoke in amazement, "You... You're not afraid to talk about him, which is nice. I know it's just that everyone is worried about how I'll react if they bring him up around me, but it just feels like they're trying to forget him, and I fucking hate it."

"Trust me, I know the feeling. Don't get me wrong, it's gotta be a right place, right time thing, but everyone acts like they're walking on eggshells around me. Tonight was the first time Jani's asked me about Ricky since he passed."

"What'd he ask?"

Ryan grinned a little. Partly because of how eager Chris was to hear about it, and partly because of how silly it all was. "Some kids pressured him into drinking tonight. He asked me if Ricky ever drank, and how come you didn't. Never asked about me, by the way."

Chris smiled, "If it makes you feel better, my kids love you and Vinny. Vinny, I get. He's basically a kid himself, but you."

"Thanks."

He snickered, "I'm kidding."

—

The next morning, Ryan was surprised to discover his kitchen in tact. He expected yesterday to blow over with a good night's sleep and for Jani to be back on his teenage bullshit, but it didn't seem it was that easy thing time. Around noon, he decided to check on him. His knock went unanswered. Chris suddenly appeared behind him, his height engulfing Ryan in the tiny hallway of his old house. He felt the heat of his body as Chris leaned over him, knocking far louder than he did.

Jani opened the door a few seconds later, pulling his earbuds out as he did.

"Thank you." Ryan told him.

"No problem."

"Did you... need something?" Jani asked.

"I'm guessing your father is worried about you." Chris said as he pulled back, returning to the solitude of the guest room.

Ryan sighed in confirmation. "I'm not trying to bother you, but you haven't eaten since yesterday."

"I'm not hungry." He muttered.

"You wanna be alone?"

Jani closed the door in his face, mumbling a confirmation as he did so. It took everything in Ryan to not be overbearing and force his son to talk, or to text Justin to figure out what the Hell was going on between their sons. Not to mention whatever the fuck actually happened last night, because no way was Ryan believing that Jani and Frankie's fight was a platonic misunderstanding. Teenagers get moody easily, sure, but no one gets this thrown off by a friend.

On the other side of the door, Jani tossed himself on his bed dramatically. He turned his music back on as he curled up with his phone. Depressing song after depressing song, all of which definitely didn't help improve his mood. He found himself staring at a picture in his camera roll from just last week. It was a photo of Alex smiling brighter than the sun. A little blurry, as it was taken in the midst of the two laughing and fucking around during lunch.

His texts dinged, and his heart skipped a beat, just hoping it was Alex. The pain in his chest shifted to aching anxiety when he saw it was Frankie. Whatever he wanted, Jani didn't give a shit. He threw his phone down on the bed and turned his music up.