veiled hearts

three

The words that came out of my mouth earlier still stung. I felt like a monster, how could I speak to my only friend like that, more like my best friend, the only one there for me, the one I cherished and loved? Now I doubted she'd be able to find out I even got to show my presence at the ball. I regretted all of this.

No, I didn't.

For a while now I had begun to lose my hope in Sadira's beliefs, she stopped caring about her royal position and that should simply never happen. Whenever someone's royal duty stops serving, they no longer matter, because they were not only chosen by the royals to serve a purpose their whole life, but they get to protect or stay available for the ones who the gods chose to protect our kingdom.

Spending constant time next to Adepti, Divinaries, and even the princes had to be something one can't take for granted. And she began to do that: to take us for granted. To disrespect the deities and their selected mortals.

She began to disrespect me. I couldn't allow that. And if I told anyone about her recent actions or possible beliefs, she'd be dismissed. This means her duty would be over, replaced. And such places can only be replaced if the past selected mortal were to die. —She would get killed if anyone found out what she had been doing, —thinking.

I didn't want her dead. Not even near such a possibility. The maiden has a very strict duty, and that is to emotionally stand by the chosen princess to keep her occupied, plus admiring her beliefs in the gods and sharing those.

This now sounded very stupid.

Each person should individually decide what they wish to believe. But I didn't have a choice, I had to cherish each god equally.
This meant she had to do so as well. But she did not.

This was weird. Back when we first met I could swear to confuse her with an actual divinary herself. She had such close contact with the gods, she mentioned at least one of them in almost any point she made. She wanted to be a divinary before she became a maiden. She became a lady in wait for this exact reason, —so she could someday get to experience a close touch with the gods, but after she stood in that position for some years, the only thing she received was a place as the chosen maiden. She was nineteen, I was sixteen. This meaning she's 3 years older than me. Her request to be a lady in wait had been set when she turned fifteen, she was the youngest lady in wait, perhaps her request was somewhat denied due to this reason.

But this made no sense to me anyway. How could she become so careless in so little time?

I hoped that what I said had somehow accommodated her thoughts.

But kissing an Adepti made absolutely no sense and served her nothing. So, why would she do it?
Adding up, why him?
The Adepti had to be respected, sometimes I had to respect them more than they had to respect me because even if Sadira wished to take it as senseless, they were the children of the gods. Why? I can't truly say. Because I did not know. I shouldn't know anyway. I don't think anyone knew.

I did wish to know these things sometimes, mostly because I wished to prove them right, but this was all about faith. All about finding out yourself, and I had to stick to this, I had no choice.

My gaze focused on the windows now, my thoughts were too overwhelming to remain dug into them. Behind the foggy window, I could still get to see the unravelled trees, snow slowly covering their naked branches, flake by flake. I walked closer to the window, wiping the glass with my sleeve so I could enjoy the view clearly this time. I watched the branches covered in snow, the ground slowly getting bathed in white. I enjoyed watching what happened outside, mostly because I wasn't allowed to experience all of this right in front of me. I could, of course, go to the gardens of the castle. Watch the snowfall and the leaves get covered with white, yet it wasn't the same as seeing the forest's trees become leafless, finding animals running around the white ground, smelling the fresh air behind the walls of the castle, I truly desired all of this, I needed it.