Anxiety

Sweat and tear stained

I toss and turn as disturbing images of that night flash before my eyes.

My shirts wet, and I'm not sure from what. Either sweat or the tears that cradled me to sleep not long ago. Why can't I get these images out of my head? Every night is the same nightmare. Typically it's the ghost of one that haunts you, not the memory of their death.

Bethany... She was absolutely beautiful. Not "I'd look twice if I ever saw her in public" beautiful, but a work of art. And you see art wasn't meant to be beautiful, it was supposed to make you feel something. It was supposed to be something you could let your imagination run wild with.

The day her mother called me to tell me the awful truth... I sat in my room. I didn't cry, I didn't move, I didn't speak or eat. I felt... Nothing, Just numb. My mother walked into my room and would look at me, a week would pass and she'd stop speaking to me but would still come into my room. A bit after a month she just stopped coming in. I don't know how long after that the panic attacks came in.

It wasn't one and then done and over with, It was multiple a day. It came to a point in which I was having up to 6 a day.

I never told my mother about this, I couldn't be able to look her in the eyes and say "I wasn't actually fine, and I'm actually still not okay. And I've attempted multiple accounts of suicide and am unlucky every time. " How could I even bring up such topic? And my dad... That asshole is just, well an asshole. He thought I made up being sick. He told me to my face "it's a phase. This is all fake, yeah your friend died but someone dies everyday. Get over it." What a heartless motherfucker. He seriously expects me to respect him and honor him with that bullshit coming out of his mouth? Honestly he doesn't make anything easier or worth the try.

Sometime that night I fell asleep unknowingly. After all the self venting it all became just enough to wear me out. I sit up and stare blankly at the wall.

"Hey man, I'm leaving early. I've got work.-H"

Oh great he's leaving me in a school filled with fools. I settle my phone back on my nightstand and roll out of bed.

"Where the fuck are my pants?"

I frantically open every drawer and search the closet and come out with nothing. I hurry downstairs and look in the dryer, Audrey must have washed my clothes yesterday and not put them back.

I'm sure you're wondering who Audrey is. Well... she's my nanny, not like a babysitter or anything. She just sometimes looks over me, cares for the house, you know. Stuff mums usually do. Growing up my parents were always busy, my father owns his own company and my mum was a nurse.

Now that I've gotten older, Audrey isn't around as much anymore. Mum stays home taking care of Austen, the youngest of four. Ever since he was born five years ago, mum stopped working. Decided to finally act like a mum. Not that she never was a good one, she just wasn't around much.

Anyways, back to what I really needed. Pants.

"Louis! What are you doing? You're going to wake Austen, he doesn't have to get up till another hour or so."

"Sorry mum. I just, I can't find pants... do you know if Audrey washed them yesterday?" Smiling she walks over to the hamper taking out a clean pair.

"Here, she must have forgotten to put them back. Or you're just really bad at finding things. Anyways, breakfast is in the microwave eat up before you leave. Also, I love you Louis." She kisses my forehead before leaving and walks back into her room.

I eat breakfast and finish getting ready then sprint out the door. Since Harry's leaving early I want to go to as many classes possible, I don't plan on staying there alone.

"What to listen to?" I search around the glove compartment for a disc, Can't start off my day without it. Music is a huge part of my life, and I mean that literally. Drum Major years 13' 14' and currently 15', hoping senior years the same. I've got to have an impressive GPA if I want to attend an Ivy League.
"This Is all yours" hm haven't listened to Alt-J in a while.

I park as close to the school as possible so when I come back I don't run into anyone.

I start walking to my locker, head down, earbuds in. When I felt a sudden soft shove. "S-sorry."

I look up and it's her, and man she looked beautiful. Like art...no. "H-hey Landon." She smirks and takes one earbud out. "You and I should hangout sometime, here's my address. Just text me before as a heads up." As she hands me the small slip of paper, it's immediately snatched. "What's this babe?"

It was Zayn. With a cocky smile painted onto his plastic face and wanna be bad boy clothes. "Ah it's just Lou, I see you've met the schools might I say worlds biggest loser. Don't talk to this fool baby." He leans in for a kiss but Landon pulls back quickly. "He's my friend, please don't bully him Zayn." She walks over to my side and places her hand on my back. "Yeah sure, he's still a fucking loser." The bell rings and he walks off.

"I'm sorry about him, don't listen to his silly commentary. Zayns just hard to be friendly with ." she gives me a sympathetic smile which angers me.

"Listen here, Zayn isn't a good guy. I've known him longer and I've known of him and his stupid games. He's not your friendly boyfriend who's just a jealous prick. No he'll use you and you'll come crying to someone. But you know what? That won't be me, I've had enough people using me as their personal therapist and you will not be one. Stay the fuck away form me if you're going to be having bullshit like his around."

I slam my locker and walk quickly to first period. I know I'll regret that later but I can't get my heart hurt by someone I'm not even with.

The first bell rings and everyone scrams like cockroaches to their class, but me... I didn't stop. I walked passed my class and instead into the boys bathroom.

I rush into the stall and sit down.

"I can't do this anymore!"

My angry voice echoes in the empty cold restroom, no one hears me crying. No one hears my frustration.

This is my life, my head buried in my hands sitting on a toilet crying over someone else instead of being happy.

Maybe it's supposed to be this way for me? Maybe for now I'm having a shit life till destiny hits me with something great... Something as great as Bethany.

A/N hehe haven't updated in two months... Sorry. If theirs any errors, feel free to message me. Aha here's this for now, Lots of love. -H