Don't think about it . Don't listen to them. This is all in my head . If I didn't think about it , it will go away. It has to. I don't know what's happening to me.My emotions. Noices around me. It's driving me insane. It won't stop. I can't make it...
(Song: Don't let me down by The Chainsmokers, Daya)
Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room ? Like everyone is there. Your friends and even your best friends and family but you feel so alone. You have to hold everything in and smile like it's picture day.
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If Mom knew she would put me in a mental hospital for sure. I know I could talk to Alison. But then what? She will think something is wrong with me. I'll feel vulnerabile because I can't take back what I said. And she will leave me . I'll lose her forever. It's so hard to let people in and trust they won't stab you in the back. Trust means nothing when it's over. That's what happened with my parents.
I guess that's why I hate sharing things with others. Once its out you can't take it back. No matter what you do you can't unsay it . It's there.... It's always there ....(Lydia)...the truth of who you ....(Lydia).... really are.
It's like I can't breathe and I need air soo bad. My head hurts. It's on tip of my tongue when I see Alison but I can't tell her.... ( LYDYA ...)Why is this happening to me. These voices.... please .... make them stop....
DEEP BREATHS.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
What if I really need help? What then? Why me ? Of all the people who could go crazy why me?
Help me Lydia...
Lydia...
Lydia do something....
LYDIA....
NOO....NOO. I can't be alone with my thoughts. I need to talk to someone. Anyone.
I grabbed my phone from the passenger seat of my locked car. I was gonna drive home but the voices were too loud I lost the track of time when I sat down.
I searched the call log.
Alison.
I dialed her . I was basically crying at this point. Why am I crying? I don't know. But I feel like I'm trapped.
"Please Allison pick up ....." hiccup "I need you ....Please ...."
She didn't pick up.
Lydia listen to me
I dialed her again.
You have to help me , I can help you too Lydia...
No answer .
I searched the call log again.
Stiles.
I pressed call .
"Hey this is Stiles leave a massage after the beep ....BEEP ..."
I closed my eyes. Pressed them together until all the tears ran down my cheek.
" Hii....umm... I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to say ..." hiccup "...ummm...I don't even know why I called you..."
I covered my mouth with my hand and let few seconds pass .
" But I know I can't be alone with my thoughts right now. I am so lonely and I know it's my fault that I am but ...."
Get it out of you system Lydia.
Deep breath.
" Why is this happening to me Stiles ?... I know I'm not perfect and I'm not the nicest person around but why me ? I don't deserve this . I know I don't .No one does . I don't want to go crazy Stiles.... " hiccup "I am not crazy.... please say I'm not crazy and it's gonna go away soon .... everything will go back to normal.... Please....Please Stiles....."
Tears ran through my eyes. I stared at the screen. He is gonna listen to this. I can't let that happen
Delete voice message.
I closed my eyes again. Let the phone slip through my fingers and barried my face in the staring wheel and cried.
That's when it hit me .
Nobody cared .
I was just a side character in everyone's life. You think you have friends but when something like this happens you realise how truly alone you are. And it sucks.
I care about you Lydia . I ALWAYS care about you ....
