She's not you

Do i love him?

I quickly wiped my tears off , looked in the mirror trying to look nice . However the messed up mascara and swollen eyes would give it all away. I was sure. Gulping and trying not to cry again I opened the door.

"Hi papa , hi maa", I said trying to sound cheerful but my fried vocals didn't match my intentions of fooling them.

I was taken in embrace by maa. Papa closed the door and we sat on my bed.

"Look at yourself Chhavi, your pale face and soul less eyes beta", maa said strocking my cheeks.

"You would've have never told us right? If it wasn't for the call we wouldn't know what our daughter's going through. I wonder what all we don't get to know on daily basis. Chhavi ik you love us but you have to understand we love you too . Doing this to yourself breaks my heart as a father I feel helpless.", my father broke . He sounded so sad. After that night this night was the one I saw tears in his eyes.

My father is a jolly man who upholds himself. Seeing him breaking down to me wasn't the best feeling. It made me so guilty. Somehow everything that happens makes me guilty .

My mother lifted my head from her lap , made me to sit down upright and looked at me furiously. She didn't cry , she didn't make a sad face. She looked at me in anger and said,"Do you like him still? Do you still love Arnav." STILL? What was that supposed to mean. Did she know about my feelings for him from back then. My shock was visible on my face.

"Don't be confused i know it all . From you packing extra food on particular days which happened to be his sports compitition days , to coming back with a scowl on your face because he had a girlfriend. You have always been a smart child Chhavi but afterall you were a child. Writing in your diaries about him and matching your name with his and then accidentally leaving that diary opened up ", she smiled reminiscing my childish activites, 

" it was funny and it was your childhood love beta but when I saw him again and your eyes sparkled it was sure that's him, the same Arnav in your yearly album . Remember how you acted when I caught you only looking at a particular face again and again in your group pictures?"

"It was just a crush maa , you know the one you have in your school , just my teenage hormones acting up", I said not able to look at either of their eyes. I have been a shy kid in these matters . The kid turned adult and shy nature never left.

"Ik it was childish , but you having a panic attack today? What was that? What were you both fighting on? Do you love him still Chhavi? He's going to get married to Aaina beta , would you be able to see that? And would it be justice for Aaina?" , I was bombarded by questions that I was ignoring in my subconscious.

I didn't know what to say and yes back to square one tears made a grand entrance.

"You can't cry always Chhavi, you are a grown up , crying won't solve everything", papa said almost frustrated. He is not wrong. I cry very easily and when somebody's talking important it can be annoying..

"I am sorry papa but my crying doesn't mean I do it intentionally or out of fear , it just happens on it own I am sorry", I said looking at him . His eyes immediately turned into love . He knows his daughter, he does.

"Honestly I don't know maa . I do have feelings for him but is that love ?I am not sure. I mean he did say he loved me today but i don't think he understands what he said. He likes to look at me. He likes to look at my reactions , he liked to make me jealous and wants a reaction out of it. Is love supposed to be that? Has he ever actually SEEN me ? Does he know me? And Do i know him after all these years. How do I make sure it's not infatuation. And what if I realise stuff after time's gone?, i said practically yapped .