your hand in mine

ix

She forgot about that fact until recently but she called Eunwoo first. Back in college, before they began dating, she was the one to punch in the numbers and wait, torn between hoping he'd pick up and contemplating throwing her phone away and moving to Ireland so he wouldn't be able to find her.

She remembers that feeling of nervous anticipation. She's reminded of it, actually, as she paces in front of the university library and waits, waits for him to pick up already so she can talk, explain, hear his voice. Except now, that anticipation isn't pleasant, and her heart isn't giddy, but heavy with an ache that's not quite longing.

And the worst part is the overwhelming, all-consuming guilt in her chest that wasn't there several years ago when she paced in her room and bit her nails waiting for him to pick up.

One thing hasn't changed. Eunwoo still takes way too long to answer his goddamn phone.

A ring, another ring, and another, and she holds her breath when she expects yet another one but instead, there's a brief pause before she hears a quiet sigh. "Hey." he sounds like he's trying to smile.

She's trying not to sob. "Hey back."

"I'm sorry," they say in unison, and Eunwoo chuckles on the other end. "I'm sorry," he repeats softly. "I've been a giant dick. I fucked up, Roseanne," he lets out a shuddering breath, and she bites her lower lip, shaking her head.

In this situation, who hasn't? Lisa, she thinks, and stomps down on the thought. "So did I," she whispers. "I didn't choose you." The confession burns in her throat. "I didn't choose you, and I'm sorry."

"If it makes it any better, I get it. I did some thinking. A lot of it." his grin sounds wry. "I shouldn't have said those things. I was angry and confused and… jealous, and I let it all get to me. But it's not about me." she hears shuffling before he speaks again. "I get it now. Completely. And I'm here for you. Whatever you need. Hell, I'll go ring shopping with you if it comes down to it."

She laughs in spite of herself. "Let's hope it doesn't."

"You never know," he chuckles. "You could do worse than Lisa Manoban, you know. Me, for example."

"Eunwoo," she sighs, rubbing her face. She's so tired. She's pretty sure she's failing her classes, her dad's progress is slowing down, and she's developing a mild case of insomnia, and she's so, so tired.

"Kidding," he hurries to reassure her. "Sorry. I didn't - I'm sorry."

"I think it's time we stop being sorry," she says. "It's getting old." She wonders if Eunwoo is nodding right now, having forgotten she can't see him. He does that sometimes when he's on the phone - grimaces and nods and nonverbally makes his thoughts known before realizing the conversation he's having solely depends on verbal communication.

Just like she suspects, it takes several seconds before Eunwoo hastily replies. "Yes. You're right. But I still want to talk to you in person and properly apologize and then I'll stop being sorry, I promise."

She doesn't think she can make that promise. "I want that, too," she says. "I - I miss you."

"I miss you, too," he whispers, and there's so much pure yearning in his voice. It makes her heart squeeze in her chest, once, painfully.

She swallows. "I - before we do that, Eunwoo, you should know that… I have to…" There's no easy way to say this. "I need to date Lisa for another five months or so. Until the end of the experimental treatment. I can't - I can't risk my father's well-being, Eunwoo."

The silence that follows is tense, but brief. Barely two seconds. Eunwoo's voice is strong and confident when he replies. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. But thank you for doing that. I agree. With Jessica suspecting something and Lisa knowing you and I know each other… We're treading on thin ice here.''