Tethered to Life

Chapter 3 - Failure

WARNINGS: Self-harming, emotional abuse, torture

Hopefully the warnings aren't scaring anyone away... :) This chapter is about as dark as it gets and I promise things are going to start getting better from this point on...

~ Tirana Sorki

They don't talk much after that, on the way back to base. Obi-Wan thinks he's even less clear on what's going on than he was before he went on the mission with Anakin. He can't understand what would ever make Anakin turn against the Jedi. Doesn't really understand how he could have been forced to do it. Why couldn't he have left the moment he was able to get away from him? Or at least warned the Jedi to get out?

Unless he really does believe that they're traitors. He certainly was implying as much and he doesn't understand.

"I'm not one of you. I never have been."

The words echo through Obi-Wan's mind again, his own confusion and the sharp sting the words left coiling inside of him.

It was the Jedi that brought him and Anakin together. It was because of the Jedi that – that Anakin is everything to him and always has been. The words felt like a complete disregard of that and he can't deny how much they hurt.

Even if maybe he's making it a bit too personal.

He can't stop thinking about the hurt look in Anakin's eyes when he'd snapped back at him for making that comment, and... He wants to say something to him about it, to just...

It feels like it's inevitable that he ends up hurting him even when he doesn't mean to, and he always regrets it afterwards, but he never knows what to do about it.

It doesn't help that he's still angry either. Doesn't know how he could ever let go of the icy rage coiling inside of him, though most of that is at Sidious and Windu. No matter how angry he is at what Anakin might have done, he can never forget the moment he saw Windu cut him down in the hologram, and all that time that he thought he was dead. It never stops hurting or haunting him. It never could.

And as a Jedi he probably shouldn't be angry about that but he is and he doesn't know how to let that go. He doesn't know how to let go of any of what he's feeling and try to find calm anymore.

Anakin was the center of everything to him and he nearly lost that forever. It still only half feels real that he's right here beside him again. Especially because it still feels like they're a million miles apart somehow. He needs to talk to him again but maybe now isn't the time to do that. He's going to be having some words with Windu the first chance he gets, and he'll be demanding that he get to work with Anakin consistently in the future so they should have plenty of time to talk later, after hopefully both of their heads are back on straight.

The way Anakin's holding himself when they head to the briefing room where Windu is waiting, it's easy to see how... scared he is.

It makes something inside of him clench uncomfortably but he doesn't know what to do about it. He knows why Anakin is uneasy around Windu considering that he killed him, but... He doesn't have the chance to try thinking of something to say to him before they reach the briefing room.

Windu looks between them and Obi-Wan avoids looking into the literal black holes his eyes are now. He can't even see his eyes shifting anymore, but from how the light is glinting of them he can tell they are.

"I see Infil'a isn't with you," he says, something dangerous in his voice.

Anakin crosses his arms, gaze stubbornly fixed on the floor.