Mrs. Butterfly - finding myself

friendships are just like meals, he said

it was in summer of 2024,
When it felt like I had enough of being a loner and grew the dream of being a social butterfly, so I could travel to the gardens of happiness and joy.

eventually, I activated hellotalk again, after weeks of being inactive, in order to meet new friends.
thank God, that I'm fluent in English. that made it easier to talk. 

A week of on and off friendships began, which kinda made me feel worse than in the beginning. All I wanted was just some friends that maybe would visit me one day, or me visiting them. But guess what happened, eventually, even my „real life friends", at least I thought they were friends, slowly left me too. wow. all that effort just for people to leave even faster?

 but hey, don't worry, at least I got to practice some personal development regarding social skills or something like that.

 Okay, there are some negative aspects too. 

The bunch of people leaving my life all of a sudden really broke me down inside. Was I not good enough? Hadn't I been a good friend, always been supportive and kind? I almost never argued with my friends, shared my whole life with them. And now they just ... left? Can you imagine how incredible heavy-hearted that made me feel? Yes, I've been somber many times in my life before. But losing countless friends within a few months just broke me, completely, more than just in pieces. I was dead inside. As dead as a rock.

One day i met a boy whose name i forgot, but what i do remember is that he had teached me one thing. But let's start with the basics first.

 I started talking about how incredibly sad it made me feel that many people see friends or people in general as fruits and groceries, which you could easily get rid of when being moldy and not good enough for themselves anymore.

He then told me something that is still engraved in my mind. He compared friendships to nourishing meals. The nutrients from those meals could still benefit you even if the friendship was gone already.

Now you don't know me, but I am not a person that wants friends to leave asap. I love to deepen my relationship with my friends and i would really love to treasure them as long as I am breathing and able to talk and write in my native language or in the languages I am currently learning. That kinda made me sad, you know, the fact that he compared friendships to something that could easly be discarded when being broken just a teeny tiny bit.

because, you know, Jesus didn't leave me during my hard times, and not even when i was not paying attention to Him at all. And He even died for me. He's my idol, my inspiration, my love.

I'm trying to be more like Him, and to work on myself so i can be someone that is worthy of following Him as a true daughter of God.

That is also the reason, why I'm trying to maintain my friendships as long as possible, if that makes any sense. Because the mission we received from Him, the most important one, is to love. So i want to find friends that I could love as long as possible.

Enough with all the negativity, right?

Now the main reason why I started this chapter is this one.

As mentioned, HelloTalk is an application I use almost every day now in order to talk to people all over the world. 

Today I used it again.

And there she was. Esther. the best girl I could've possibly met.

The moment i heard her voice for the first time, I was literally mesmerized. I'm not lying. Her voice is perfect like snowy mountain tops in the Swiss alps, white beaches in Hawaii, or streetfood in Italy, and her character is like a blossom in spring and cotton candy at the fair. She totally made me feel comfortable to talk to people again. And that was when I realized something quite important.

Just because you don't see your wish being granted immediately, doesn't it mean that God doesn't prepare them during your wait.

He actually made me meet her just in time. I wasn't ready before, too lost in my own thoughts, the negative stream of emotions and anger and disappointment. But when I was ready, He provided.

so thank you God, for saving me again.

I found you again. 

And, in Esther I found a graceful butterfly to accompany my journey to the blossoms of life-

Now i can really continue the journey, the way to find myself.

Hugs and kisses and many flowers for you to land on-

your mrs. butterfly.