if only ━ a bini #mikhaiah au

Chapter 4: What Now?

Maia.

After my incredible moment of humiliation, I collect all my remaining dignity and sit silently on the circle chair. Not only am I drenched in coffee, my butt feels cold against the soft leather it sits on. I try not to shift my gaze towards Airah anymore but I can see her smiling in my peripheral vision.. A small smile forms on my face as I saw her with a new tray of coffee.

Two Iced Americanos.

She ordered it, our regular.

Oh gosh. I didn't realize how much I actually missed her.

"I'm sorry." I said, still refusing to look at her.

"Why?"

"You had to order Iced Americano."

"I mean, it was my favorite."

Airah.

The awkward silence fills the air as the two of us abruptly ended that conversation. Maia tapping her red nail colored fingers and my foot probably in the same rhythm. We always used to get told that we were "two peas and a pod." I thought it was cliché, until we started finishing each other's sentences and appearing at the perfect moments. Unlike right now. I thought to myself as I giggled with the thought of the 19 year old I fell in love with.

Why am I thinking of that?

I fight off my nostalgic thoughts. Now that I think about it, this setting feels too familiar.. It feels too right. But it's wrong, and I know that it is.

Dear God, this is bad. Agreeing to this was bad. I should just get up and leave.

As if she was able to read my mind, Maia finally spoke.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"I told you, I like Iced Americanos–"

"No it's not that. I wanted to apologize for leaving you."

"It's a little too late for that, don't you think?" I sigh as I attempt to refer to my ring.

As if she didn't notice all this time, her face was full of shock and well, it kind of looks like disappointment too. I'm not sure.

"You're..?"

"Getting married, yes. The wedding's tomorrow, I would've invited you but I didn't even know where you moved. I wasn't even sure you were alive."

Ouch, that was cold. Why am I getting so tensed up?

Maia.

She's getting married she's getting married she's getting married she's getting married she's getting married she's getting married she's getting married..

I stop my thoughts as I looked at the woman in front of me. Her hair perfectly frames her face. I shake my head.

Airah is 27 now, of course she's getting married; that was always the age she wanted to get married at. Did I really think she'd never get over me?

"Who's the lucky person?"

"Rize, Gigi's older brother. He's tall, goodlooking, and has a good career in finance."

That's weird. She only talked about his outward persona.

"Is he kind to you?"

Shit. Did I just say that out loud?

Another silence fills the air. Just how many more are we going through?

"So why did you leave without a goodbye?"

Airah changed the subject.

If I told her, what would she do?

Airah.

That question caught me offguard. I don't like talking about Rize, he's not abusive no, not in that sense. In any case, he's perfect and all my friends and family loves him plus, he spoils me and treats me like a princess. It's just, nowadays I feel empty, it's like a part of me is missing. Maybe it's all the pent up stress with organizing the wedding. The spark will come back. I gaslight myself.

A spark. It's that giddy feeling you get when you encounter someone who ignites something in you. The moment you look in their eyes, you feel fireworks, not butterflies.

But if you're in your late 20s, in the closet, and have parents expecting grandchildren, that spark remains an idealistic delusion.

"I just.. You know me, insecure, doesn't have her life together, unlike you.." my thoughts were interrupted when Maia finally said something.

"We could've worked things out, Maia. You know we would've."

"I didn't want to put such burden on you, you were about to take the CPALE for God's sake."

"Also, what would you even want to do with a low-life like me? You know I don't have family; not even a surname. I didn't have a job either, things have only been going good for me recently."

"Maybe if the timing was right-"

"But it never is, Airah. It never is."

"Okay."

The tension was building. It's too late now anyway. I'm getting married tomorrow.

Flashback

"Sometimes I wish I knew what my surname would've been. I mean, the one the orphanage assigned wasn't bad but maybe knowing what it actually is would give me a sense of identity." Maia says, looking up at me.

We were snuggling in the couch for God knows how many hours. My parents are on vacation and she's been sneaking through the window, I wish we didn't have to hide it like this .

"Maybe when same-sex marriage becomes legal in the Philippines you can take my last name!" I wiggle my brows up and down, with a sly smirk painted on my face.

"You know that isn't possible, heck, maybe we'll even end up like Evelyn Hugo and Celia in the future."

"That's not too bad."

End of flashback.

Oh.

What is this feeling?

No.

This is wrong.

I am literally getting married.

Tomorrow.

If I'm getting married.