Write On!

The Quest for Validation

I'm probably too old for this, but lately, I've been feeling ridiculously insecure about what it means to be a successful writer.

"Brian, do you have imposter syndrome because you're a Wattpad Creator and now have a story in the Wattpad Originals program?" you ask.

No.

It's probably the opposite, if I'm being honest.

My ego is huge. I'm very confident in my abilities; I don't even know the meaning of the word humble. Just ask my wife.

What I've been dealing with recently is pure, undiluted envy. Envy of writers who have thousands of followers and millions of reads.

Every morning when I turn on my politics podcast, I hear the same commercial for an online therapy company. The ad says, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

It's like they know what's going on inside my head. Talk about targeted advertising.

But is that true? Maybe seeing what others can accomplish is motivating.

Right? Maybe?

I shouldn't admit this, but the past few weeks, my envy has pushed me to go to cringe-worthy lengths to promote myself. (If you're one of my newest followers, you know what I mean.)

I'm not proud of how badly I crave numeric success, but well, it's the truth. I'm special and talented, darn it, and I need the masses to validate this view I have of myself.

"Okay, Brian, we get it. Chill, dude!" you say. "Stop being so ungrateful for the success you have!"

Shoot, I sound like a narcissist, don't I?

Okay, quick pause: I am grateful. Incredibly grateful for the readers I do have. When I get a comment from someone saying they relate to my characters or saying that my characters helped them see trans people in a new way, it makes it ALL WORTH IT. 

But it also makes me want to spread my stories further.

Why can't stories with trans protagonists be mainstream? I believe in visibility. Literature can be both windows and mirrors. Diversity–real, authentic, own-voice stories–helps build understanding and insight for those outside a community, and helps build-up a sense of belonging and confidence for those inside of a community.

So, it's not JUST my ego that drives me to want mega-success. (But I won't deny that my ego is part of it...)

Okay, pause over... Let me tell you why I'm rambling about this. Yesterday, I was having a chat with a very friendly AI chatbot, and I asked for advice about what to do about my lack of millions of reads. It suggested that I start a writer's blog.

Now, I have no clue how a writer's blog will help increase my follower count or read numbers, but hey, why not? I love talking about myself. 

Not only am I an author, but I'm also an open book.

So, here are some questions for you. Yes, YOU, the person reading these words right now:

Would you like to learn the intricate details of my writing process? Or how my trans identity informs the creation of my characters?

Should I talk more about being a 40-something-year-old trans guy? Do you want to know what it was like to come out in the late '90s? Or how things have changed? I have lots of pictures and old videos I could share.

And, if you watched the video at the top of this chapter, you know I'm just staring at a screen, refreshing it over and over. So don't leave me hanging! Please...