Feel Like Shit.

6. Ours.

I wake up and feel the same sinking feeling I get every year. I always think about what he would be like now, what the three of us would be doing for his birthday. What toys would he want? What movies would bring him comfort? What cake would I bake for him even though it would probably be shit? What kind of party would we throw him?

All these questions and more about the what if's kill me all the time. With time it has become slightly easier to understand that it wasn't meant to be at that time but then I think why would I have carried him to 20 weeks for it to not be at the right time. The truth is, there is no answer to any of it, none of it makes sense except this is what my reality is. 

And I always think about Jack on these days because he is the only other person to understand what its like and also because I never picture my life with just Jackson, even when I hated Jack, I always saw it as the three of us. 

I dont blame out split on the death of Jackson, I know its the way that we both dealt with it that was the problem and I know that if it was all three of us everything would be very different but maybe that's why we lost him, because Jack and I aren't meant to be. But like I said there is no answer so I get ready and prepare myself for Jack to come and pick me up so that I can finally go to Jacksons headstone that our parents did for us. I ran away from a lot when I left Birmingham and I dealt with loosing Jackson as much as I could but his grave always felt to real, having his ashes in my neckless and a teddy helped but I compartmentalised it and almost made it feel like he wasn't fully gone.

But this today, going to his grave and seeing his name on a headstone, there's no more making myself believe it wasn't real and I didn't believe I would ever do this but as soon as I saw Jack for the first time in seven years and he asked me to join him, I wasn't scared anymore. Maybe a part of me was waiting for us to do it together.

I truly believed that I would hate Jack if I saw him again but as soon as I turned and saw him in Julies kitchen, I realised that I never hated him. For the last seven years I made myself believe that I did but I couldn't fake it to his face. I never hated him, I just hated that he pushed me away when he was the only person I wanted when we lost Jackson.

Once i'm dressed I go downstairs and make an iced coffee and let Star outside. "Good morning baby." My mum smiles as she walks into the kitchen. "Hey mum, you okay?" I ask as I sit at the table and she joins me with her cup of tea. "Yeah i'm okay, how are you today?" She tries to act like this is another day, waiting for my reaction, but I just smile. "I'm okay mum, Jack should be here soon." I reply which makes her smile and nod. "How is it? Seeing him again, I mean?" She tries to hide her smile but I know this is all everyone has wanted since I moved back to Bournemouth. 

"It's nice actually, I didn't think either of us would speak but right away it was just back to joking. I mean their have been awkward moments when each others ex partners have been brought up but that's normal, right?" I ask making her chuckle and nod. "It is. Your dad still goes all funny when I bring up what Paul is doing on Facebook." She says making me laugh as the doorbell goes. "I'll get it." She pats my shoulder and goes to the door while Star runs in and follows her and instantly starts barking for attention from her dad. 

"Hello beautiful, come here." He says in a baby voice as he picks her up and walks into the kitchen without mum. "Morning dickhead." He smiles as he sits next to me with Star still in his arms, licking his face. "Thats my nickname, dickhead." I poke his forehead playfully and he just sticks his tongue out at me. "I quite like it for you though." He shrugs making me shake my head and stand up to grab Stars lead. 

"So, I'm going down to Bournemouth for a bit and I was wondering if you wanted Star while im gone?" I ask as I hand him the lead and he puts it on her. "Yeah, how long you gone for?" He asks as he placed her on the floor and follows me to the hallway where I put my trainers on. "No more than two weeks but if you've gotta go to London for training I can take her with me." I smile as I open the door and he follows me to his car. "I am but I could just drop her to you when I go to London." He says once were in the car and he places Star on my lap and pulls out the driveway.