Poetry

Doll

6/15/24

Failure.
A word sown onto me
with unbreakable string
and suffocating seams.

I was made
with hopes and dreams
and love and laughter
stuffed inside of me
until the edges begged to burst

what's the point of hopes and dreams
when you constantly let them down?
what's the point of love and laughter
when its all spent on a screen?
what's the point of living
when failure is all you are
and all you ever will be?
what's the point of going on
when disappointment
is all you ever will know?

stitched and sewn with perfect care,
inspected and inspired to a tee
yet I still won't live up to expectations
placed on my shoulders like heavy boulders
weighing down on my body
sinking into my skin
and becoming part of me

I was made with joy
yet everything around me seeps with sadness
and slowly that sadness envelops me too leaving nothing but pain and heartache in its wake
leaving me down and tired with mood swings that kill
and a tendency to harm
the body that was made with love and warmth.
That body is no longer the same,
now it is covered in scars and memories and hurt.
in pain that will never go away.

that body that was once beautiful and full of love is now unrecognizable.
my mind is polluted and brainwashed addicted to the screens that give me a hit of dopamine
scrolling for hours to to escape the pain of problems
the pain of life

im tired of life
im tired of these screens that control my brain
my brain who can't give me a break when it comes to what I eat
my brain that judges everything from my hair to what I wear

I'm not perfect
and I never will be.
these expectations placed on me
me, this "perfect" doll
made with expectations and hope
made to serve a purpose
but all I serve in the end is failure.

Who could've expected that no matter how much love or hope you put into your little "doll", I still won't be perfect.
I still won't be enough.
I still will be this thing, trying and trying but never succeeding.
never amounting to more than the gum you scrape off the bottom of your shoe.
the scraps that put me together now are only a faded version of what I once was.