First Class Camouflage

Letting go....

7:30 am ....
"Emily"
"Emily"
I know I am awake but I convince myself that I am dreaming because I know who's voice I hear but if it really is her I have to accept the fact the the past two days actually happened. If she is here she must have a reason.
"Emily, love you need to wake up please, we need to talk. You didn't call me and tell me and I am pissed that I had to find out through your mother." She wasn't really mad I knew that. I also knew that she had been crying from the shakiness in her bell like voice. I just couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. she would want to know how I was feeling and what I was thinking about, but she already knows those details.
"Please talk to me Em." as soon as those words left her mouth my eyes shot open. She knew why too, because when I looked at her she had her hands over her mouth and terrified look in her eyes. No one calls me Em or Emmy except for Nathan, or should I say called. "What time did you get here" I ask bluntly.
"Your mom called me yesterday. I would have been here sooner but I couldn't get a ticket until the red eye flight at 11:30!" She said this as quick as possible waiting for a reaction after her apology. All I can do is crawl over and lay my head in her lap. My aunt is the most caring woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, when we were younger she moved into the gust room to take care of us while my mom was at work all day. She ended up getting married when we turned eleven and had twin boys, Mark and Jake who are now 9 years old(twins run in our family), she is the most feminine, girly person ever and has taken me in as a daughter because she says she will go crazy with out having someone who likes to shop. So it is only natural for me to curl up with her and not be forced to talk about him. She is still crying but I am not so we both just sit there. "I am glad you came" I finally say . "sweetie you know I would never be able to stay away at a time like this. my princess needs me" she explains as she strokes my hair that hasn't been brushed in 3 days. "but you need to talk to me, your mother is worried sick about you! She says you haven't come out of your room or eaten anything and you haven't said a word to her since the night before." She is more worried than upset I can hear it in her voice. "I am fine" I try and convince her even though it is useless. My aunt is the mother of two nine year olds and a licensed therapist. "Don't give me that" she shouted "I am sitting here a complete mess! You have to be feeling something you have to cry or scream or get angry!" I laugh I was getting reprimanded for keeping my shit together haha priceless! I sat up and start to walk over to my closet where I have my black dress hanging next to the right pair of shoes. "I have to get ready." I couldn't hide the bitterness in my voice, "you can leave now" I said without looking her in the eye. "Emily" she says sounding like I just ripped her heart out I don't care she wanted me to get angry fine I'll get angry. "I said leave! God can't you understand stand simple English I don't want you here I don't need you here and I sure as hell didn't ask you to be here!" I have never yelled at my aunt before "you want me to cry but I don't think if I start I will ever be able to stop!! Don't you get that I can't do this do you think I like feeling like this! I would do anything to stop this hurt this ache this pain in my heart!! YOU CANT COME IN HERE AND TELL ME I DONT FEEL ANYTHING BECAUSE I DO I FEEL SO MUCH I CANT BREATHE!!! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM SO I CAN GET READY FOR MY BROTHERS FUNERAL!" With that being said she stood up fixed her skirt and walked out but made sure to slam the door.

9:30am....
I have been ready for an hour now and am sitting at my vanity looking at the shell of a human in my reflection. I decide I need to move and I tell my self to move but nothing is happening. I stand adjust my dress and walk to my door I peak my head out to see if anyone is around but I don't hear anything. I guess it's almost time to go. I can't wrap my head around this horrible situation, who would have thought I would be going to his funeral before he had a wedding or a baby or even another birthday! I find my mom and my aunt in the kitchen holding keys and their purses without saying a word all three of us walk out to the car.

12:35pm
That was the worst thing I have ever experienced. That was the hardest things I have ever had to sit through. My mom and my aunt were a complete mess and I just sat there, not moving until it was time to leave. everyone was crying and hugging and saying how sorry they were but no one understood what was going through my mind. I don't even understand what I am feeling how can anyone else! "Emily sweetheart it's only us now please do or say something to let us know how to help you. I am at a loss her baby girl I don't know what to say or what to do but something needs to happen." I just sat in the car as my mom climbs into the backseat with me and gives my aunt the keys. She stares at me the entire ride home and I just look ahead. no tears no words no clue as to what will help nothing. As we pull in the drive I see it. A big grey Toyota truck sitting in the driveway. it was his truck and right now is the first time I have seen it since we found out he was killed. the car barely comes to a stop and I run towards the truck once I am there I stop unsure of what to do next. Out of nowhere I have this rush of anger and the next thing I know I am hitting the truck kicking the tires screaming at the top of my lungs. I finally realized this is the truck that we dropped him off in this is the truck that left him in the parking lot on the day we dropped him off. I am screaming so loud neighbors are looking out windows and come out side they all know that the young boy across the street died so they pretend like nothing is wrong and go on with there lives but I keep screaming. pretty soon my aunt tries to calm me down, she tries to hug me and soothe me but it doesn't work. I run in to the house with my mother close behind she is crying because I am acting so crazy it is scary. I throw open his bedroom door and that is where I finally let everything hurt. I drop to my knees in the door way and I cry for the loss of my brother for the first time.