First Class Camouflage

Better late than never....

5 weeks later....
"Wow" I hear just loud enough to pick up over my favorite song that was blasting over my speakers.The sound of their voices make me jump. I turned around to see my aunt Kim and my mom standing in my door way not only smiling but laughing at my make shift dance moves while I pack my bags. Without saying a word I shuffle towards them grab both of there hands and pull the pair in to my room to join my dance party. After twirling and laughing for a good ten minutes we stopped, my mom pulls me in for a hug and it seems like she will never let go but at this point I don't mind. "my baby girl is leaving her momma for the big city where did I go wrong??!?!" I pulled back to see her still smiling like there was nothing in the world better than me "leaving her. The original plan was for me to go to school here but after Nathan died plans changed for the better I guess. I was going to go to school in New York for my developmental psychology degree and mom is moving into an apartment closer to aunt Kim's house. Personally I couldn't live here anymore I can't stand passing his empty room or his truck in the driveway, yes it is getting a little bit easier but for the first few weeks I was a mess. There was a lot of crying, screaming and plenty of other breakdowns after his funeral and even though I can refrain from collapsing by his door I still can't sleep or get a moment of peace without being hurt with a memory or something. It took us Twelve days to clean out his room. We would find something important and we would have to stop because we couldn't hold ourselves together enough to carry on. But now it was time to pack up my room which was a very different experience. We were smiling. No tears were being shed and we were moving on with our lives. Aunt Kim was finally going home for the first time in a month. I was going to follow my dreams and move to New York. And mom was going back to school to be a teacher. We were trying to move on.
"What time does your plane leave tomorrow?" My mom asks for the tenth time
"It leaves at noon I will get to New York    at 6pm our time 9pm New York time. I will be staying at a hotel by the airport for the night then moving in the next day. My stuff will arrive that morning."
"I want to go with you!" My mom whines
"Your flight leaves in a week mom! You can't just drop everything and come with me. We have gone over this I will be fine I promise!" I can't help but smile at the fact she is acting like a child.
It's weird leaving home. I want to stay with my mom but this is what I need to do.
What Nathan would want me to do.
This had always been our plan he would stay around with mom after the army and I would get my time to "find myself" as my aunt would put. She thinks I am running away from my troubles but I had made a deal with her. She asked or at the time forced me to visit one of her colleagues and complete at least 15 hours of counseling by myself and some with mom. Yes it helped but at the time things were not going well in our house. It was time for me to move on both physically and mentally, but standing here in my boxed up room I can't help but feel sad. I have looked forward to moving out since I was a freshman but now I can't picture myself anywhere else, I haven't been anywhere else.
Out of nowhere my mom comes up and wipes my cheeks. Before I understood what was happening I took a step back not realizing that I had tears streaming down my face.
It hurt again
My heart.
No this isn't right!
I did therapy I am fixed now!
I can't breathe!
The hurt is flooding back to me why is this happening now it usually only happens when I am alone.....