Dear Diary,
When will I be able to shut out that sight?
Why can't I stop hearing that fight?
Could they just stop?
WHY WONT THEY JUST STOP?
"You're buried me today."
STOP SAYING THAT.
Over. And Over AGAIN.
The third time.
You tell me "go."
But why does it feel like it's me the one that you're leaving?
I stood numb and lifeless at the door
For nearly 10 minutes.
My knees aching and begging for rest.
My eyes unblinking and filled with tears.
Every part of my brain gone and only able to process the sounds behind me.
All I could do was stare.
Why was my mother in there?
WHY was MY mother THERE?
Was MY mother REALLY there?
All I could do was stand in front of her and sob.
All I wanted to ask was "why?".
Do I even know you know?
How can I move forward when I'm still stuck in that moment?
I can hardly look at you now.
I can't hug you or touch you without remembering.
It feels like a nightmare and yet so distantly real.
I remember the first thing I thought of the morning afterwards.
"I need to forget. How can I forget? Amnesia. Brain trauma. Injury. Disease. Hypnotism. D.I.D. Death. These are my options."
All day I wandered around like a zombie.
Eyes sunken in,
Pale skin and all.
I didn't eat. I didn't sleep.
I abandoned my daily routine.
But no matter what I did,
That memory still played on repeat.
And I still don't know what to do.
How can I face you?
I don't know you.
Not anymore.
Neither of you.
