Sometimes I wonder if 2020 katherine would approve of the current me.
...maybe she'd approve of 2022 me more...
she was prettier and more vivacious,
(even though she had so many mental problems).
She was funnier,
she had more guys lining up to talk to her and take her out,
she was more popular,
she was "fashionable",
and her personality was still alive.
But the cost for 2022 me is 2024 me.
She is drained. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and academically. She's out of time. She's out of options but to face the music. There is no more running for her. She can't wind back the clock and keep reliving 2022 no matter how much she's trapped in there. She no longer feels as if time is going forward, but standing still, stuck in 2022. Forever 14 at the age of 16, 18 at 20. Always behind, but the mental exhaustion of 80. Tired of trying but too young to give up.
Always wondering if I'm wasting it, watching it slip away. Rotting away purposelessly, being bitter seems better, better than constantly running to a future that is always just out of reach.
Questioning, the me in 2023, is she who I was supposed to be?
Where am I supposed to be now?
The overload of thoughts making me drown.
Sinking sinking sinking,
but never reaching reaching reaching
for the outstretched hand offering a way out.
Always imaging.
When I was 14, I was imagining the feeling of falling. Falling from heights, each higher than the last. But I left those thoughts in the past. I turned 16 and stopped aging. Never stopped thinking. The thoughts I had left in 2020 slowly creeping.
But this time they wore new clothes.
New shoes.
A fresh set of nails and a styled wig.
Each one crowding my mind and inflating it like a pig.
They kept me wondering.
Guy after guy, I couldn't escape the thoughts wondering why.
What was wrong with me that he left me?
Why did he text me?
Why now after all this time?
Why did he pull away and leave?
If I hadn't met her would he have folded and come back to me?
Would things have ended differently?
Would he have loved me?
Each thought pulling me deeper into this ocean of regret, as it stripped away each defense, I thought I had nothing left. I was devalued. Alone. This was my peak, and just as soon as I'd reached it, I'd fallen down the other side of the mountain.
