WE ARE THE D.S (Somos la D.S - English version)

28. BITTER VESTIGES

Rarely in our lives do we have control over what happens. We always wander from one side to the other trying to manage situations so as not to get hurt. That was not my case. My impulses led me straight to test the limits, to see how far I could go. I played with fire and now I'm getting burned.

I don't even know how to describe the series of catastrophic events that began to unfold, one by one, in my life.

I was blinded by a ray of light that filtered through my window. I thought I tasted danger. Smiling while Roman kissed me was an assured way up. But here we talk about control, about care, and those are two factors I didn't have. Now, when the summer sun has disappeared and is supplanted by a gray and stormy perspective, is that I can notice it. The price to pay for happiness is always high and even more so when you sacrifice others with you in the process.

We both let ourselves be carried away by what we feel. We both simply opened our hearts, but it was all in vain.

What was once sweet, dangerous and filled my body with life, today are mere bitter vestiges.

"David, let me explain," I trot down the stairs and only catch up to him as he enters the kitchen.

"No, Baelee," he stops me and I freeze in front of him, "you don't need to explain anything because everything has been very clear", the man in front of me starts to turn on the coffee pot and for a second ignores that I am here.

"But I want to do it, you have always listened to me, I want you to do it now, please" David finally turns around and leans on the back of the counter. "I never planned for something like that to happen" I start, "I don't even know why it happened.... I went to town looking for Timon a few months ago and I swear I didn't expect to find Roman like that, he had grown up. We both knew from the first minute that we were not the same. You know the way we hated each other, but that changed. We matured. I never felt like my family and I refuse to say I feel that way, just because of the protocols that are handled here.

"That doesn't take away from the fact that they are step-siblings, Baelee," the man in front of me tries not to raise his voice too much.

I know that likewise, he tries to keep his voice in check. Waking my mother is not an option. No one wants Roman out, not again. Not after what this man doesn't know what happened to his son when he returned home.

"I know, but we were away for twelve years, what we shared together was just a stretch of our lives. I can't feel him as something close even if I wanted to, because even today I can't feel my father as my own and he carries my blood, do you think that being separated from Roman when I simply felt him alien to me all my life, makes him different?"

"Baelee..."

"No, I'm sorry if you don't understand, but we are adults," I interrupt.

This is the first time I've been straightforward about this. A few months ago when my mother simply decided to throw Roman out of the house like a vile thief, I said nothing. Then came his kidnapping and with that, the great trauma that weighs on our backs. All, for not having opened my mouth at the right time to defend what I felt.

"There is not a blessed drop of blood that unites us. Understand that because you and Mom chose each other, we do the same today," I sigh. "And I know this may look sick, unpleasant, but it's not, and I'm sorry if you don't understand. Or even if my mother decides to separate us, it will still happen, because I will keep looking for him and he will find me."

He doesn't say anything, I can only feel the coffee pot and the birds singing behind us. I want him to say something, to break the silence. I feel I have opened my heart, I have spoken as frankly as possible, I deserve something from him at least.