my life??

currently

Hey my name is whisper but please call me kade! I don't have any preferred pronouns but I'll let you know if that changes! Anyways moving on to recently in my life.

So first of all I have a boyfriend who I'm not sure is cheating on me or not because I'm literally 400 miles away from home where he's my neighbor and I hate it. I hate that I have to babysit my boyfriend because he has -200 braincells and hurts himself all the time. I hate that I feel like crying every time we're alone because he wants to do dirty things with me and he won't stop and it hurts. I hate that I don't have a voice because I'm a people pleaser and I don't want him all butt-hurt. I hate that I'm a girl. I hate that I can't go back home because of money problems. I hate that I have periods and boobs. I hate that literally none but my father and two of my friends know that I want to be a guy. I've given so many hints! My favorite color is blue I dress like a guy I mention wanting to wear suits I like my hair short and none seems to get it until I spell it out to them.

I hate that I can't have money to buy cute things that I want and I hate that I don't know who I am anymore or even what I am. I hate that although I wanna be tough all the time I just wanna be babied and cuddled and when I'm mad I want someone to put me straight. I want a relationship where I'm not the one doing all the work. I hate that my boyfriend doesn't care what I do to him and that makes me do everything in the relationship because he doesn't care. I hate that I can't act positive and have an actual date. I hate that I can't remember who I was before my friends.

I hate that all of the guys I was friends with just wanted me. I hate that everyone I meet is like "oh wow! You're name is really unique!" And I have to smile and act all angelic like what am I supposed to say to that? I hate that I was happier without anyone. I hate that I'm falling again and I don't know how to get back up. I hate that I can't sleep until 5 in the morning. I hate that I'm almost always hungry.

I hate that I get sharp pains in my chest, stomach, sides ect. I hate that the pain is enough to make me curl up and cry. Can someone please tell me how to get out? I just need someone right now that understands. I want to be friends with people that I don't know because right now my friends aren't really my friends. I want to be a guy so badly it hurts me I want to be a girly guy and wear pretty dresses and skirts and still be able to be a guy. I want someone else who knows nothing about me so I can get to know them.