my life??

to my friends

There's so much I want to say but so little ways to say it. First of all Adrianna you were the one who has been there for me through everything and I truly appreciate you being there but I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm just following you around like a lost child and because of that feeling I always find myself being the awkward one or always slightly uncomfortable around other people. I can't stop you from smoking and I won't try to smoke has always been around me as a child and even now so I'm used to just sitting there awkwardly waiting to talk to someone. 

Second of all Izzy I'm grateful to you for listening to me and being my friend and honestly we share some of the same experiences with men so trust me I understand that they are stupid and it sucks being friends with men in general because of what happened to you and me. I'm happy you're doing better than me and that life is going your way especially with the great boyfriend you have now trust me he's a good man I've known him since I was little and he's always been kinda shy so don't be afraid to try and talk about how you feel with him because he will understand trust me.

Naomi my beautiful best friend you have been there for me since I could remember and I'm happy that you are able to talk to me still after what happened and joke with me about it but truthfully I've never told you the extent of the harassment I got in the friend group and I hope you read this with an open mind. Matthew made weird comments to me often or talked about very vulgar topics with me which made me uncomfortable for example he told me one day he had a burn spot on his nuts and I was really uncomfortable in that situation but that's not half of it. I have been pushed into relationships I didn't want, ignored, physically hurt, people have called me slurs often, I was always made out to be dirty minded, I was always in the wrong no matter what I did, people have betrayed me, people have insulted my dead pets, people have eyed up my family, people have vented to me but then refused to listen to me, I have been made depressed, I now have physically painful anxiety that leaves me not being able to breathe, I have been almost assaulted, I have been pushed to starve myself, I have been pushed to almost start self harming myself, I have been made to feel like a piece of meat. All three of these guys always seemed to be looking at me like some sort of food and I couldn't stop going to school just so I don't see them so I was forced to be near them constantly.

I can no longer remember my past childhood which I can only assume is due to trauma and now I'm quite literally questioning if I'm a real person anymore I can't tell if I'm not me. My entire personality right now is fake and I'm basically avoiding people so I don't have to force myself to try smiling again because I forgot what a smile feels like.