Sorry about this dog shit story but it feels like I just can't stop writing anymore.
My entire life feels like a fever dream better than one day of my life. Even my regular weird dreams are replaced by my mind searching desperately for me to fall in love. Usually these dreams are about murder or something weird (i.e a tree with arms). But now it's all replaced with the endless cycle of my head finding faces I remember like ones of my friends and using those to create the illusion of a perfect love between us. I know gaslighting myself won't help but id rather drown then let myself fall in love again.
I'm just so done with men but I can't stop loving them so much that I end up suffocated by them not loving me back. It feels like I'm the only one trying to have a relationship. It feels like I'm the only one putting up an effort to do anything at all. It feels like I'm the one endlessly giving out my love to others and just waiting for the same amount to be returned to me. So I'll sit holding my dying heart and I'll wait for all the beating to stop so I can feel the empty mess people tell me all about them feeling like but really they just are wearing rose colored glasses and don't see how they are loved.
Maybe I'm the fool? Maybe I'm the one seeing through those same glasses. Maybe I'm the idiot who loves others while trying to express my pain but not being able to find a way to express myself but through crying? Maybe after I can't cry anymore I'll just end up keeping it all in and blocking people out. Maybe after I find people who make me laugh and feel good I'll let them in and push away those others who couldn't understand me or tried to repeatedly hurt me but failed. And after I had fun with those new people I would end up falling in love again and breaking my own heart by giving way too much and not receiving much love at all. and then I would break up with that person because I realized I'm not who I really want to be I'm not the GUY I want to be.
I finally found who I was supposed to be but yet I'm still not who I want to be. I'm not the bisexual woman I thought I was. I'm the gay man I thought about being all those years ago but was too scared to accept it. Now I'm getting the hang of being called a different name and I'm looking forward to getting a binder but I'm still scared to correct people on my gender without a binder so I don't look like who I was anymore.
I'm thinking of who I could be now and not who I was. I'm starting to accept who I am and now who my family or anyone else wanted me to be.
My name is Kade Mallady and I'm a fourteen year old boy who is gay and a crossdresser and this is my story.
YOU ARE READING
my life??
Non-Fictionhey! this is a story about me! the authors side of what happens cause I'm slowly going insane and have nothing to be able to do to get my emotions out 🙂👍 anyways!!! if you read this thx! if not that's okay too! also ((massive tw))
