The Things We Don't Say

Chapter 3

The thing about bad things happening to you is that it's like a chain reaction. They don't stop untill the explosion.

In June of 2020, I officially finished my collage. The next step was for me to go into a well-known, prestigious university. I had no clue what to do, what subject to choose. Kinda lost like we all are.

My parents wanted me to choose a subject that can be a good toll in professional life and which can make me independent. You know like all parents they wanted security, assurity and reliability for my future.

I on the other hand wanted nothing to do with natural sciences and at that time all I wanted was a book and a corner. I thought about it and  emotional, introverted and lost girl that I was I wanted to study literature and psychology.

My parents always said whatever you want to do is good but these subject in our country are unrewarding. So this is what happened.

"If you want to choose any one of them it's your choice, we support you Noor but you will struggle really hard with these degrees. We are saying for your sake. Market is saturated with such degree holders."

I could see their unpleasant demeanor but they were quite.

If you're me and used to reading faces and walking around egg-shells you'll switch on your oldest sacrificing daughter mode and start to please your parents because that is whdt you've done for the past 18 years of your life.

So I started to give reasons to myself for not opting for English and Psychology.

Well, I enjoy reading and writing but what if it's not what it is in university. Sure they are not like USA or Europe where they just teach novels, reviews, synopsis etc. I'll lose interest in my hobby to if it starts to feel like a burden.

And psychology.... Be honest Noor, you just want to diagnose yourself.

I let go of the thought and just like every other decision of what I'll eat, wear, go etc. the most important decision that I should've taken also went to my parents.

I told them choose whatever subject, whatever university, I'll go.

And without waisting any time, my parents decided on economics as a rewarding, secure etc subject. And two universities offered it in the capital. NUST  and QAU.
My parents wanted me to go for NUST   as it's top-ranked, good controlled environment, strict army owned institute with esteemed reputation.

They required an entry test of course. I started to prep for it. My parents gave me a hand-me-down phone which was first used by my father than my mother and then me so that I can prep. Look stiff online.

But I was nit into it seriously. It was COVID lockdown and I just found the only thing that gave me joy, writing online a story. It just kept me up for nights. I was eager to write and write.

The day I wrote my first chapter and published it online my father said, "stop wasting time on this and work on your preparation."

I remember, it cried that night. I know he was not trying to sabotage me or was trying to tell me to give up or thst I suck anyway, no, never my parents are my biggest fans and they believe I can do anything but that feeling.... I never got application for the first thing I did and it was the start.

I continued with studies and my novel as well online. The problem was that the entry test had no particular book to story. It was a standard test with vocab, basic math and IQ questions but I was nit ready to find synonyms for words I don't use daily or do math which I last did two years ago.

I was screwed and the worst thing what I found out on the test day. At the test center their was a computer.  Due to my eyesight, it is very hard for me to read in computer screens. I was not even half way through the test when the invigilator told me 5 minutes left.

I just chose option  C and save every question.

I got my results in 2 days, 98/200.

I was shook to my vore but I know k what ever I could've done, I was not passing anyway. My parents never blamed me for that test. Infact they blamed themselves.

They thought i  could've gotten in with disability certificate but we didn't think about it until later.

No one water me to waste an year, hence the second nest university it is. QAU, with quota system, no legal boundary in the foothills of mountain ranges, no controlled environment, public/ government university with no entry test, pure grades.

"You'll be doing good there, we trust you. We trust thay you'll keep your boundaries with boys, keep your values and respect in order, no drugs we know you'll be a good girl."  Mom sat me down and told me.  "But my girl, if you broke these boundaries, cross some limits, I can't protect you. you'll create problems for yourself and for your younger sisters. We love you and trust you. Don't break out trust and confidence in you."

At that time I felt like why are we talking all this? I mean sure I'm going into a jungle but still... I won't like anyone who is not intenseef in me and no one is ever interested in me.

And drugs...? Sure I like the idea of it but I'm not going to buy them or anything.

But I just took it as a motherly cooncern, not an advice.

I got in QAU and everyone was overjoyed. I was happy too. I just Know that it started like this. Let's hope things go well from here as well.