The Gaping Dickhole of Life

Three Strikes

A week had gone since Matt attempted to propose and he had been consistently trying to win Trey back in any possible way he could, but no matter how hard he tried, Trey's mood swings were preventing him from getting any closer to gaining. He just kept losing.

On Monday, Matt joined Trey at his Daddy and Me class where Matt was in a downward dog position with Trey kneeling behind him. Once Trey shuffled closer to him, Matt thought it would have been funny to let one rip in the middle of the class and into Trey's face. The fart echoed throughout the community centre as if he had been holding it in all his life and Trey began to cry before running away. He got pink eye.

On Thursday, Matt woke up early so he could prepare breakfast in bed for Trey. An all American fry for his all American guy and to be honest, Matt had never made anyone else or himself breakfast before. A few hours after Trey had ate his bacon and eggs he began to throw up violently all over the fresh bedding, laid by Matt the night before. He gave Trey salmonella.

On Sunday, Matt and Trey sat in the doctors room at the hospital as they awaited their names being called for their next checkup. Trey sat hunched over in the hospital waiting chair, glued to the computer screen as he aggressively smashed on the keys while writing script work for the latest episode of south park they had yet to animate and record. Matt tried to weigh in on the script but Trey was having none of it.

"Oh! I have an idea, what if Cartman and Kyle-" Matt started, but Trey cut him off almost immediately, raising his hand to Matt's face in a way to silence him.

"No! Shut up." Trey grumbled as he began to type again before his surname, "Parker" was called out from the overhead speaker. Slamming the computer shut, Trey stood up slowly, holding onto his back and shoving the computer into Matt before gripping onto the armrests for support as he straightened out his back.

Matt looked up at him, perplexed as to why Trey was shoving his computer into him before asking curiously, "Am I not coming in with you babe?"

Trey began walking towards the room where the appointment was being held and simply called out, "Nope!", as he got farther away from Matt.

-

"Good morning Mr Parker, I hope everything's been okay lately?" The doctor asked as she flipped through his folder, reading his medical records intensely before questioning, "Pink eye and salmonella in the same week?"

Trey laid down on the hospital bed and pulled his shirt up, allowing the doctor to apply the gel on his stomach which made Trey shiver a little. Trey looked at her and sighed, "Matt's been a pain in my fucking ass all week long." he complained as he watched the ultrasound screen turn on, showing his baby boy. Calming him straight away as he was able to see the little one he was carrying.

"Oh, whys that? Tell me about it." Dr Clarke offered in an inviting tone. In response, Trey let out the hugest sigh before he began talking.

"So first of all, Matt fucking shit himself in my eye socket like a fucking retard- oops, sorry doc! Which then led to me getting pink eye. Resulting in him embarrassing me in front of my whole Daddy and Me class. And then the little curly headed fuck goes and gives me salmonella." Trey raged, his heart rate clearly rising on the monitor.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, may-" Trey cut her off just as he did to Matt before.

"And then this stupid little gay intern ruined my fucking day yesterday!" he shouted, startling the doctor as she laughed awkwardly.

Smiling at Trey, she applied more gel to his stomach and asked, "Would you like to tell me what happened?"

-

The South Park team sat around the table brainstorming ideas for their episode 'Make Love Not Warcraft' when Trey began to pitch an idea.

"So all the boys are gaming and glued to the screens, and Cartman's ate too many hot pockets and they're starting to creep up on him. So what if he calls his mom down to catch his shit cause he's too invested in the game and wont make it to the bathroom on time because he's even fatter than he was before?" He laughed, also bringing the majority of the table to laughter bar one person.

The intern looked Trey dead in the eyes and said, "You cant say anything." smirking as he said it.

Trey's head turned to him and cocked to the side. He raised his eyebrow and asked, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

The intern laughed a little and looked him up and down, "I mean...come on, the elephant in the room?" He stated as he looked at Trey, "And by elephant, I mean you, you're fat as fuck man."

The silence was deafening as everyone glanced at each other, trying to avoid the startled horse look Trey was giving the intern. Trey stared at him for ten seconds before launching himself across the room at the intern like an enraged chimpanzee. Everyone screamed as they tried to hold Trey back.

-

"Needless to say, he wont be stepping foot into my studio ever again." He smiled psychotically as the doctor removed the transducer from his man womb, taking a concerned glance to the heart rate monitor .

"Well... the good thing is that the baby is healthy and happy, however, I'm quite concerned about your mental wellbeing and your stress could be causing harm to your baby. I suggest you take a little break! get out of the city and just relax." she smiled sweetly at him, "Almost as if it were maternity leave!" she suggested.

Trey thought for a few seconds before sighing defeatedly, "Yeah, maybe you're right..." he smiled a little, "Thanks doc."

She watched Trey wipe the excess gel off his stomach and fix his clothing before taking the ultrasound photos and waking towards the door. "No problem Trey, get some rest!" she called as he left the room.

-

Trey began to waddle down the hallway, passing Matt who was far too tall for the hospital waiting room seats. Matt began to scatter everything together before rushing towards Trey and questioning, "Is everything okay? How's the baby? Did she say the gender changed?"

Trey took a deep breath, calming himself before answering Matt with a stern tone, "We're going on vacation bitch."