To Rhial

51

Tells

Two guards were seated on the floor next to Simira's open door in drunken daze, checked out of reality. I stood there idly trying to figure out some action to take, still foggy from sleep. My eyes glanced rapidly over everything, unable to strongly take anything in. The door was shut, and I wasn't supposed to go in. I couldn't go in. I wanted to knock, but nobody was allowed in. I grabbed at the hems of my nightgown, not even having realized I walked out in it. I was unarmed and barefoot, completely useless to keep anyone out.

Is Simira okay? The guards out front, Zev rushing around, and the order to keep everyone out. What's going on? Is Simira dead?

I halted in front of the door, hand hovering over the handle.

What if it isn't that? What if she's okay and there's just some minor emergency? I can go in, right? She'll forgive me if I peek in on something I wasn't supposed to, right? Or would she?

I couldn't stop myself from caring, or maybe I just didn't care what would happen. Maybe both.

I anxiously knocked at her door, a swelling fear in my heart as there was no answer. My hands shook uncontrollably and I clutched the handle of the door, the cold metal freezing me in place, completely unlocked. I glanced down at the two unconscious guards and threw the door open. My heart was pounding in my ears as my eyes searched the dark study for any signs of her. Everything was normal as ever, except for her bedroom door, which was wide open, and the freezing wind pouring through from outside that slammed the door behind me.

I knew what was coming, and yet I was praying for anything else to be the case. I would have preferred to walk in on her and have her scream and hit me over the stillness I encountered. And that's what it was. Stillness. In the silent darkness, Simira's body lay still behind the translucent bed curtains. I crept toward her bed and pulled the curtains apart.

From her shoulders down were still covered in blankets, but her lifeless sunken eyes, staring upward emptily were all I needed to see. My heart fell into my stomach and I sank to my knees in front of her bed. I didn't know how long I sat like that, but there was nothing else I could think to do. The feeling was back, the feeling I had been forcing back since Vetia died... masking my grief with the naive assumption that I could make something good out of it all... make it right. I rested my hand on her cool head and wept over her bed.

Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I push harder, so that maybe I could have been here with her? If I'd been here, would she still be alive, or would we both be dead? Why didn't I do more to protect her when she was still around? I don't even know who I'm crying for anymore. The heart, the blood in the courtroom and my inability to act. Her cold, dead face in bed and my fear of pressing her to not be alone. All of the hardship, all of the agony, all of the death, was it all because I didn't do anything? Because I didn't care enough? Why did it feel so hard to keep everyone alive? Why did I leave Simira and Vetia to be alone? If I had been a better friend, maybe none of this would have happened.

I couldn't stifle what few cries escaped my lips. I punched and pounded at my thighs.

I could have done better! I could have been better! I could have saved them but I didn't! I could have prevented all of this from happening if I wasn't so fucking worthless!

Both of my fists were slamming into my legs until I had no strength left and cried into the sheets before me.

"I'm sorry I- I- I didn't care enough! I don't know how to be close!"

Her face was so still, and perhaps the most peaceful I had ever seen her. Even for the dark bruises stretching around her neck and the dried streaks of tears down her temples, she was so strangely calm.