missing someone.

𓇢𓆸

     I don't know where to go from here on out. To me it feels like everyone I love, leaves me in the end, and it's my fault alone. It's hard to move forward after losing someone dear, and it's hard to cope with being without them, alone. 

     Am I comfortable in silence? I don't know.. maybe I am, or maybe it's eating me alive. I used to say I hate being alone, but now loneliness is all I feel, and it's my only friend. Is my new friend toxic, leaving me helpless? Or is it actually comforting me? It's hard to tell, I think it's been with me for so long, but I've only just recently acknowledged them.

     I'm good at letting go, but I'm also good at letting it hurt me. 

     I miss them, I wish they would let me love them more, but that was suffocating them. My love is suffocating and toxic, ouch. It'd be better to take separate paths, as we are now. But I'm still lingering on the path I once took with them, unable to let go of them. I feel hopeless and selfish without them, pitying myself, and feeling full of regret. Maybe there's a shrine up ahead if I look up, raising my head, but I don't want to look away from the path we once took. It's hard to move on. 

     I still keep things that remind me of them, so they aren't a fairy tale. Proof that they once existed for me--I often have selfish thoughts.. "I wonder if they regret leaving me." .. "Do they have something that reminds them of me?".. Is it okay to have these thoughts? Do I move forward? I don't know. Maybe I deserve this, maybe it's fate, but no It's not. I'm at the end of the path I took with them, so I have to make my own path now. All I have to do is raise my head, but I don't know which steps to take. It's hard to overcome these feelings, when did I get used to the feeling of being lonely? Have I known this feeling all along? I don't know. But maybe it is for the better. Maybe being lonely isn't bad, it's only ourselves that make being lonely feel like a terrible thing, isn't it? 

     I miss them, I miss their voice. I miss the way they were nicer with me, and only me. I miss their stupid laugh. I miss their eyes that only saw the positive in me. I miss the way they loved me. I miss the way they type so bitterly, totally different from their actual demeanor. I miss the way they talked about stuff they loved. I miss looking at their art they proudly showed to me. I miss the way they called themselves my art teacher when I talked about drawing. I miss the way they made fun of my typos. I miss them laughing with me at stuff that doesn't make sense. I miss the way they stayed up late with me just to make me feel better. I miss them hanging out with me all day despite the occasional moments of silence and boredom. I miss the way they went along with me despite not understanding. I miss the way they pouted because I didn't react to their jokes. I miss them. I miss them to the point it's suffocating. It's as if I'm drowning in the deepest depths of the sea, drifting in the sea as a jellyfish does. I try to swim up, and I struggle, falling deeper into the sea of my regrets. Memories playing vividly as I close my eyes. I hate it. I hate the fact that I count down the days I've been separate from them, I hate how I sleep only to see them, wishing nighttime could come by faster, so I can see them once again. There's so much stuff to hate, and to love. What is it to be alive? 

     Were they ever mine? I don't know. I know I was theirs. If they told me to get the stars for them, I would. Maybe it's because I was so obvious that I would do anything for them, maybe that's why It was suffocating for them--I think a part of me will always be waiting for them.

     I want someone to come along, and let me love them, like I once loved them. I want to love someone.. I want them to let me suffocate them in my love, and love me just as much, or even less is okay--I wonder if a day will come when someone does, but I don't know if I'm capable of getting over them, replacing them with someone else, is it possible? I don't know. Until then, I'll silently wait, wait for the day when someone joins me on my path again, because for now. I think I'll learn to relax, and float. Float to the top of the sea, once again, but this time on my own. I think I'll raise my head now, and finally steal one last glance at the path I once walked with them, and smile--on my own. I'll step forward, onto this new path, and learn to take steps forward with just myself, overcoming anything I'm met with, no matter how long it takes.

     Thank you, thank you for teaching me how to move on, thank you for teaching me how to love properly, thank you for everything you taught me, in return, I'll let you go.

I loved you, dearly.