I'm sorry

YOU WERE THE WORLD.

Him. He changed me. I don't know for better or worse. We met through a friend, by accident you see. An accident that was potentially I'd love to go back and change. We became quick friends with his charm and smarts. Finally someone I could talk to intellectually. He was everything I could of wanted, everything that I did want and more. We went friends to best friends to lovers. No one really wanted us together, but you know what we did it anyways. . Faced the world together and bright. We talked and laughed all day everyday. I got to talk to him in the mornings by showing him my poetry, he did some himself so I knew he'd be interested. So that's what we did every morning, he'd read it and tell me how it was and what he thought. That's how it all startedWe talked on the phone for four hours. We stayed up all night. We teased each other. I played with his face, messed up his hair and all sorts of cute stuff. We fought, then made up like it was nothing. I wasn't scared to hurt his feelings. I was honest. I spoke my mind when I thought it was needed, when something bothered me. I opened up with my thoughts and feelings frequently but I didn't really show them in public as much as others would. I mean, I like PDA as much as the next person but I did pull away sometimes and give him the cold shoulder. I didn't like asking for things from him, but I didn't have to, he got my jewelry and stuffed animals. The stuffed animals were our children, still are but that doesn't matter. I was so comfortable being myself around him, he was my home. He was my everything. He wrote me letters and I did too. We were the cutest couple. I texted him paragraphs longer than the screen could show, vise versa. He left me voicemails, I listened to everyday. He sang me asleep. I hated phone calls, but for him, I'd call or take a call any day, time, where. The boy of my dreams. Every kiss was special, so unique and passionate sent shivers down my spine and made me go weak in the knees. After one kiss I wrote in my notes,"I felt his teeth brush against my bottom lip, sucking on my lip bringing my soul closer and attraction fill in the air. With one last kiss good bye my lips parted allowing my tongue to trace his bottom lip, savoring his taste in my mouth. " he sent butterflies to my stomach. He was the air I breathed and the blood in my veins. I was a sad emotional wreck before I met him and when I did. He made me happy and brightened my spirits.
By now you must be wondering "well ok ok so what happened then?" Well.. I'll tell you. Things got weak. We stopped trying. Didn't say hi, didn't even bother to look at each other. He started talking to his ex again, I met new people. We had one big fight and there it was, broke off. Over with. Cried at that moment. He called me right after. "You weren't a problem. I had you above everyone. You were my top priority, over everyone else. I loved you. And now everyone is going to be mad at me." WELL IM SO SORRY BUDDY. SORRY I CLUNG TO THE STUFFED ANIMALS YOU GAVE ME LIKE LIFE JACKETS EVERY NIGHT. CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR A WEEK. SORRY YOU DIDNT WANNA TRY ANYMORE. SORRY YOU LET ME GO. SORRY YOU DIDNT TELL ME TO STAY.
I kept wishing and wishing he'd do something to try and get me back.. But it never happened. He got back with his ex a few days later. I found a new boy to talk to. As soon as the news reached him and his friends oh it was a big deal and I was the bad person. I was ganged up on one day when I was hanging with my soon to be new boyfriend. It was his cousin and a friend of his. They asked me what I was doing, they said to stop being a little slut, they said why would I be doing this when i know he was mad about it and especially with the new dude I had found. I told them that we were just friends and why does he even care. they said Bc now the new guy would get his ass kicked because of me. (Ok so I never really got that part.) everyone was so mad at me but why? Why. I tried moving on like he did. Was I not allowed to? I was happy again with him. Well even through that, it didn't stop us. We still hung out and had fun, just on the down low. I couldn't stay friends with him and keep talking to him, if I did I'd stay attached. I'd fall for him all over again. I don't text or have any communication with any Recent ex or thing will get pretty confusing and messy. (My theory will soon be proved.) So I stopped caring about him, being as cold as ice, avoiding him in anyway. but I saved the pics and the texts and the voicemails, just living in my phone. Few months later I got a boyfriend and he's still with his girlfriend. During the summer me and him both went to camp and we talked again.. Not a good idea. I decided to play nice. And that's where I went wrong. Being nice is letting my guard down and I let myself be okay with me and him again. friends of course but from there it went to flirty and all that stuff. We talked a lot and he gave me two bracelets. Great more jewelry to remind me of him. he wanted to call me more and I refused. that's where I drew the line no, too far. So it came to the point where I was ready to love him again and I hated that so much. he was my weakness. I could see that now. Two hugs on the last day almost leading to kisses, it was that moment that I knew I missed him and wanted to feel that no more. we talked about our break up and he said I made him feel like he wasn't making me happy and had no impact. I said sorry I wasn't enough and so on. I don't talk to him anymore now but I want to. I really do. I'm ashamed that I do but denying my feelings will make it worse so there you go. I won't feel anything in time tho and that's what keeps me going. knowing I won't be like this forever makes me feel okay with how I am now. but I'm filled with guilt on how I let him let me go, I should of refused to let our relationship down and tried harder. there are so many things I could of done. although missing him is a small price to pay rather then not meeting my next boyfriend. He was fun, but a guy that can let me slip through his finger tips as easy as it was, isn't my guy. a guy that can't say one word to get me back or some effort isn't mine. he said he looked out for me after ward, I'm sure he did but that's not what I wanted. I wanted him with me and looking after me in his arms. Not 50 feet away. But oh well nothing to do, but say, I'm sorry, forever for you.