NCIS Sydney One Shots

Sanctuary in Silence

The office door slams as Michelle enters the already warm room, no one else was here yet; she was always the first one in. The office is quiet, almost eerily so. She enjoyed the early mornings like this where she was alone to prepare for the day that would hopefully consist of paperwork instead of yet another case; all of their desks were already swamped with the paperwork they hadn’t yet done. Her superiors were breathing down her neck, and although the ultimate threat of her team getting disbanded was gone there was still that growing worry that it could happen again.

Michelle prided herself on being able to manage stress and anxiety quite well, but there were still days where it threatened to overwhelm her. Today was one of those unwarranted days where her anxiety spiked for no reason. She typed on her computer sometimes catching herself staring off for no particular reason; remembering memories that she wished she could bury. She was so caught up between the paperwork she doesn’t hear when the door opens, but she sure hears when it slam shuts.

She jumps slightly when it does so immediately looking up to the agent who enters suddenly on high alert. She glances around and only relaxes when she sees DeShawn come up to her with a coffee in hand, “Mornin M, figured I come in early and help you with paperwork,” she heard him say as she tries to calm her breathing. She can feel DeShawn’s eyes on her and she could tell he already knew what was going on. “You alright Mack,” he asks, his voice softening slightly.

Michelle nods, “Yeah just one of those days Dee,” she mutters turning to face him. He was crouching to her level, his eyes understanding. He has dealt with her bad days before and as much as Michelle hated to admit weakness, and once hated to admit DeShawn was a good partner. She was grateful for the way he could handle this without making her feel pitied.

“It was bound to happen you know, I’m honestly surprised it didn’t happen with the Doherty case,” he sighs and Michelle nods her agreement. She had honestly been surprised as well when she didn’t have any episodes, the only thing calling her back to her marine days were the nightmares she had for a few nights after that case ended. She had been feeling good lately; Sydney had been good for her, not just the city, but the people.

“Just when I think it’s faded it bites me in the ass again,” she grumbles, not appreciating how her PTSD works. “There’s not even a reason for me to be so jumpy, nothing has happened to trigger this reaction,” her annoyance was clear in her voice. She of course knows that it isn’t how PTSD works, but boy did she wish it did.

“You’ve been stressed lately M, stress is a trigger in itself,” her ex-partner and closest friend reminds. She nods knowing he’s right if PTSD wasn’t her worst enemy's stress was. “Do you want a hug,” he finally asks, gaining her attention once again. He’s gently leaning against her desk now earning a half hearted glare from Michelle, but she immediately takes up the offer. Michelle wasn’t huge on physical contact, but she did find the pressure comforting when her mind was on high alert like this. She hesitates glancing around the room making sure no one else was there. “Come on Mack no one else is here, don’t be stubborn” he reassures her gently.

After one more glance around Michelle finally relents and nods, allowing her friend to hug her. It isn’t too tight, DeShawn knows by now she doesn’t like feeling too restricted. This has easily become one of the things she had only shared with DeShawn. He was the only one she trusted with this, the only one she let herself be vulnerable with, She was the team leader, she was supposed to be strong, and as much as she was growing fond of Evie, JD and the rest of the team, she never ever wanted them to know about her past, about the disobedience that led to her near court martial.

DeShawn seems to read her mind at that moment as he gently releases her, “You know you’re going to have to tell them some day,” his voice is barely a whisper still being close enough for her to hear. She knows he is right, she would have to tell the rest of her team… eventually, but she didn’t want to, if DeShawn hadn’t been there during court martial he would never know.

“I know, but I really don’t want to. They need to be able to trust me, how could they trust someone who got her partners killed,” she asks worriedly. She Liked her new team a lot, she didn’t want to damage that, she didn’t want to ruin her relationship with her new found team, and especially not her new partner.

“They already trust you Mackey, just as I do. The decisions of your past aren’t going to affect you in the here and now. I know our team, they’ve all made decisions they regret, but at the time thought they had to do. JD went rogue to save his son, Evie nearly got us all killed, in that one case, and I defended you nearly ending my career during my JAG days. Though I’ll never regret that.

“D,” she says warningly, trying to get him to get to the point. He was making a very good point although she didn’t quite understand what that point was.

“The point is we have all made mistakes yet we still trust one another with our lives. You’re overthinking this Mack, way too much; the team trusts you, Michelle, I trust you. You don't have to push them away, besides you know JD won’t let you,” his voice turns from serious to slightly teasing.

“True, he is pestering me to open up, it’s starting to get irritating,” she grumbles and she hears her friend chuckling.

“He cares about you Mackey, so does Evie even if she doesn’t admit it, we’re a team and team’s support each other no matter what, tell them Mackey they’ll find out sooner or later, whether they hear from you or not is up to you, at least give it a thought,” DeShawn murmurs his eyes pleading with her slightly.

Michelle relents knowing he was right, “I will DeShawn when I’m ready,” she told him just as Evie and JD pull up to the office, just like that the heart to heart is over, and another day at NCIS Sydney begins, but Michelle didn’t feel the stress she felt just an hour before as she watch her team start to form. She knew that she had truly found where she belonged... Hopefully without being judged.