may.
bey.
"You've got something on your mind."
I knew that was a statement and not a question.
This entire trip had been me trying to live in the moment and pay attention to the beauty that I had all around me, but my dilemma was sitting on top of me. I wouldn't tell Oni anything because I knew she wouldn't want me to. She wasn't in my marriage, and until some big decisions were made, I knew she didn't wanna hear anything about it. So I kept it all to myself, and it was obvious to everyone around me that I wasn't myself.
Even now, on our way back, I was less of myself. My thoughts were heavy and my emotions were everywhere. I felt like I was pregnant with the way I couldn't control my feelings.
"I don't wanna talk about it," I laid my head on her shoulder.
She caressed my cheek, "I'm here whenever you wanna talk about it."
She was making this even harder for me just by being herself. I needed her to stop being so damn understanding and loving and herself. It made it so much easier to fall in love and that much harder to decide.
"Whatever's on your mind has you all quiet and tense. I brought you to Jamaica to relax."
"I know."
We'd been in Jamaica for weeks, relaxing and living like we didn't have homes back in New York. We had practically become natives, spending more of our time in Rih's neighborhood than the home Oni had out there. Everybody knew Oni so by proxy, they knew me. I was her woman out there, and nobody knew I had a husband at home. I was living a double life, and it was sweet in the midst of it all, but when the smoke cleared, there were things that needed to be done.
"I love you sweetie," She kissed my forehead, "Go easy on yourself."
"I'm gonna leave him."
"For me or for you?"
"For the three of us. He isn't a bad man and though he has anger issues, that doesn't excuse me for this. I'm wrong and I feel guilty for it, as I should. I feel more guilty for putting you in the middle of this than I do for loving you, and I think that means something."
"I heard about those anger issues. I had some concerns of my own but that's your marriage."
"He won't hurt me. We've been together ten years and he's never laid a hand on me."
"But he talks to you crazy whenever he gets angry with you like he can't control it. What happens when he can't control his hands? You sent that man to anger management 10 years into your marriage-"
"Alright Onika."
"I'm just saying sweetie. I'm not trying to offend him or anything."
Her ass was lying. She wanted to offend him every time we spoke about him. I couldn't blame her though. I wanted to offend every bitch that even looked her way.
"When we get back, I want you to help me with all that shit you got me in Jamaica."
"Ooh I finally get to see your house."
Usually I wouldn't, but I knew Samora was busy at work and when he was done there, he was going to play football with his friends. We were good for the rest of the day.
•••
"Pretty."
Oni was behind me and I couldn't tell if she was talking about me or the house.
We had Jaden with us, dropping my extra bags off into the foyer before he jumped back in the limo with Kelly. Oni shut the door behind us and I looked back to watch her inspect my house with her eyes. I wanted to know what she thought, even if it wasn't nice.
