Promise (Tsukiyama)

If he was still mine

When Tsukishima awakes the next morning, he is greeted with a dark bruise over his left eye and a swollen cheek. His shoulders droop at the sight of his reflection. I'm so stupid. Why did I do that? He sighs and leaves his bedroom, feeling worse than he's ever felt before.

He heads to the kitchen in search of some ice for his eye. Pulling open the door to the freezer, he is hit with a waft of icy mist as he searches for the cold packs. When he finally finds one, he places it against his eye and shivers when the cold from the ice pack runs through his skin and extends throughout his skull. Tsukishima closes the door to the freezer and wanders over to the couch, sinking into the soft cushions. As he lies there in silence, all he can think about is Yamaguchi. If he still had Yamaguchi, he would be watching over and taking care of Tsukishima's black eye as if he had just been shot. He would bring him warm blankets and tea and be so worried about him that Tsukishima would have to tell him to calm down and remind him that he isn't going to die. Yamaguchi would cuddle up against him and fall asleep on his chest, and he would look so peaceful that Tsukishima wouldn't ever move him. We could've still been like that.

Once Yamaguchi has set up camp in his brain, there is no chance of removing him. The thought of him follows Tsukishima around all day; driving him to insanity. He couldn't get through a single work shift without his mind wandering to Yamaguchi, nor could he shake him away from his thoughts at night. Tsukishima hates how much his heart longs for Yamaguchi. If he could just stop feeling this strongly for him, he certainly would. He feels helpless knowing that the one thing he truly desires is to be with the one person who doesn't want him anymore.

There was a time when he had everything he could ever want. A contract to play volleyball during college, his own apartment, and a loving, adorable, kind, intelligent boyfriend whom he had loved since he was a teenager. Things could have been different if he hadn't pushed Yamaguchi away during his freshman year of college. It was a confusing time for both of them; Tsukishima had just joined a new team for the first time in three years, and Yamaguchi was swamped with school work. They both found new groups of people and new opportunities that they never got to see in high school. It's also important to mention that when Yamaguchi first told Tsukishima that he was quitting volleyball after high school, he had felt somewhat betrayed. He had a feeling that Yamaguchi didn't necessarily want to continue down that path, so he wasn't surprised; Only hurt that his partner for the last three years of his life was leaving him on the court alone. Despite him being hurt, Tsukishima's love for Yamaguchi never faltered. It grew, in fact. Mostly because Yamaguchi was the most incredible and supportive boyfriend that you would ever see. He came to all of his games with flowers or presents, took him out to celebrate afterward, and would compliment him and his technique for hours after. Every time Yamaguchi hugged or kissed him, it felt like coming home after an exhausting match. He found himself always eagerly searching for him in the stands at every game, listening for his boyfriend's magical voice in the crowd. Those were the days before he screwed it all up.

The memory of his breakup with Yamaguchi is engraved in his mind, haunting him each time his body tries to lull him to sleep. It was a Saturday night, and they were lying together in Tsukishima's bed on top of the comforter. Yamaguchi was curled up against his chest, scrolling aimlessly on his phone. Tsukishima took a deep breath and cleared his throat, "Tadashi, I have to talk to you about something."

Yamaguchi immediately sat up straight, turning around to face him curiously, "Yeah? What's up, Tsukki?" he had asked.

"You know that I love you, right?"

Yamaguchi laughed as if that was the stupidest question he had ever heard, "Of course, Tsukki! I love you too! I've missed you so much. We haven't hung out like this in ages!"

"I uh.." he paused, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

Yamaguchi leaned forward, intruiged. "Well?" He asked, smiling widely at Tsukishima, "What do you want to tell me?"

Tsukishima looked at the floor, "I think we should break up."

He saw Yamaguchi's smile immediately fade. "Wha-What?" he asked shakily, "B-break up? Why?"

Tsukishima sighed, "I love you, Yamaguchi, but I feel like right now, I need to see a different path in my life."

Yamaguchi just shook his head, eyes wide, "I-I don't understand."

"I talked to some of the guys on the team. They said that maybe to seek out my full potential I-"

"Need to break up with me?"

Tsukishima looked at him in shock. Yamaguchi let out a watery chuckle and wiped his eyes before continuing, "You know, I don't think that those guys ever truly liked me. They criticized our relationship from the moment they saw us together. You can't possibly believe them," he paused and glanced at Tsukishima, "right?"

"Tadashi.."

Yamaguchi's round eyes had welled up with tears, making him look like a sad puppy dog who had been left out in the rain. "You.. believe them, don't you?" his wobbly voice sounded like the definition of heartbreaking. When Tsukishima didn't answer, his gaze suddenly turned slightly hard, but his whole body was still trembling, "What do they mean to seek out your full potential? Do they think that I'm holding you back or something?"

No answer.

"Let me guess, you think it too?" Tears were freely running down Yamaguchi's cheeks at that point, which made Tsukishima feel even more terrible.

"Tadashi I... I'm sorry I just -"

"What about our promise?" Yamaguchi interrupted desperately, "You promised me that nothing would change between us!"

"Tadashi -"

"How could you think that I'm holding you back? I have been the most supportive person to you throughout this entire process. I've gone to all your games, and I -"

"BECAUSE YOU ARE HOLDING ME BACK! I NEVER ASKED YOU TO GO TO ANY OF THEM!" he suddenly screamed, heat filling his face. Yamaguchi jumped back, looking startled and more hurt than Tsukishima had ever seen him before. "I'm sorry, Tadashi," he said in a small voice, "That came out wrong I -"

"You've said enough," Yamaguchi said, sniffling. He quickly left off Tsukishima's bed and ran out of the room to the front door. Tsukishima could hear Yamaguchi sob as he ran out of the apartment. I hope that was worth it, he thought.

It was not worth it. Tsukishima wishes that that night was all just a nightmare, but it most certainly wasn't. He wishes that he could go back in time and punch the living daylights out of him for what he had said to Yamaguchi. That night was the biggest regret of his life. If he had never listened to his teammates on the Sendai Frogs, none of this would have happened. If he hadn't tried so hard to fit in with them. If he hadn't said things that he shouldn't have. If he hadn't fucked it all up, maybe it would be different now. He and Yamaguchi would be together in his quaint apartment building. They would cook together, clean together, and do almost everything together. Tsukishima would wake up to a fresh cup of coffee next to him, with a note from Yamaguchi next to it. He would pick up flowers from Yamaguchi just because he could and would scoop him up in his arms and hug him when he got home from work. They would bicker like all couples do and make it up to each other with hugs, kisses, and apologies at the end of a long day.

That's all I want right now.