The Book of Leah

Something To Believe In - Chapter 38

Waukesha, WI,  June 20th, 1992 

Bonnie dragged herself up the stairs after a long day at the diner. Saturdays were always the worst in her opinion; she had taken a brief break at her grandparents' farm, where she slept through the afternoon rain before returning for a shift until close. As she opened her door, she found Leah in her gold and white Georgia Tech sweats, writing in her journal with a faraway look but a faint smile.

"So how are you doing, Miss I-Ditched-Work-to-Be-With-a-Stupid-Boy?" asked Bonnie.

"Amazing," said Leah with a gleam in her eye.

Bonnie looked at her, puzzled by the answer. As she looked into her cousin's eyes, she realized there was much she wasn't being told.

"Okay, Cuz, spill. What happened today? Did you guys get to go to the lake, or did it get canceled because of the rain?"

"No," said Leah, fidgeting and reaching over the nightstand to pick up the piece of glass. "We walked in it."

"It really is pretty out there." Leah said as she reminisced on the afternoon. "We walked and talked until we were soaked to the bone. Thankfully, the car has those old vinyl seats," she laughed.

"So, what happened?" asked Bonnie, wondering where this was going.

"Well, we walked and talked about life," Leah began.

"Like what?" said Bonnie.

"He talked about his family," she answered.

"No way, Jake rarely talks about his family," said Bonnie.

"Well, he told me his mom is a recovering alcoholic..." Leah said quietly.

Bonnie took that in. "Yeah, I've watched courtside the highs and lows of that for years," she said as she changed into her pajamas. "Thankfully, she's finally got help"

"So what has you humming so much?" asked Bonnie. "Normally, I come back, and you are listening to Nirvana,  all curled up in a ball in bed. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, just wondering," said Leah.

"Wondering about what?" asked Bonnie.

"If you can know you love someone even if you just met them?"

Bonnie paused and looked at her clearly. "What do you mean?"

"You know, that feeling that this is it. This is your person"

Bonnie shook her head. "I don't know. I actually don't really believe that we all only have one person. That just seems too fatalistic. What if you mess up and never meet them? You're doomed to eternity without them."

"No, not like that," said Leah. "Just, you meet a person where things just click and you feel for in moment you know. That this is your person to love."

"Whoa," said Bonnie. "What are you talking about? Did you hit your head?"

"No," said Leah, laughing. "I wish I could explain this, but I can't define it. I can't explain it..." She looked deep into Bonnie's confused eyes. "But I know."

"I'm not sure I do," said Bonnie, getting concerned about the insanity her cousin was talking about. "I mean, I love Raff. But currently, he's in a war zone, and every day I worry I'm never going to see him again. I struggle now with the love I feel and the reality I know. It's just too tough sometimes to think about it."

Leah looked at her. "But you still do," she said, looking heartfelt at her cousin. "Despite the fear and despite the ache... That is how I feel."

"But why?" said Bonnie. "It's crazy. In just a few weeks' time, you're going to be gone. You're going to the other end of the country and having to start all over again. Why would you even talk about love with a boy who you're going to never see again?"

"Because I know I will," said Leah. "This is something different, something true, and I can feel it. Haven't you ever felt that way?" she asked.

Bonnie looked away. "No, I wish I could, but I just can't find the faith to risk it. It hurts too much to try or  think about if..." she paused as her voice choked, "if I never see him again. Why are you saying all this anyway?" said Bonnie as she sat on the bed next to her cousin and finally noticed the piece of glass in her hand. "What is that?" she asked, confused.

"Sea glass," said Leah. "I found it today walking with Jacob on the lakeshore."

"Walking with Jacob?" said Bonnie, now getting worried about what had happened to her cousin. "Since when do you call him Jacob?"

"Since I kissed him," said Leah as she grinned at her cousin.

"Since you freaking what?" said Bonnie, standing up and getting in her face. "When was this? What planet have I been living on?"

"Not sure on that answer," said Leah, grinning. "But yes, I kissed him. Today, in the pouring rain on the shores of Lake Michigan. I told him I was so afraid about everything, but I realized something. I am not going to be held back by the fear of where I am going or where I am going to live or what is going to happen tomorrow. I'm not going to be held captive to the fears of my heart, and I'm going to follow what I feel within it."

"And what is that?" asked Bonnie, fearing the answer.

"Love," said Leah.

"You definitely hit your head," said Bonnie as she tried to inspect her cousin for the source of this break in sanity.

"Bonnie, I've never felt clearer in my heart than I have in a long time. And I'm not going to walk away from it. I'm going to lean into it and follow it where my heart leads."

Bonnie sighed. "I'm not sure I get it. I mean, I love Raff, but  I don't know if I'll ever get my happily ever after."

"That's what makes it worth fighting for," Leah insisted. "That belief. It's what got me through the last year. Watching Mom suffer month after month broke my heart into a million pieces. All I could do was hold it together and hope that one day it would all make sense. And Bonnie, when I'm with Jake, everything makes sense. For the first time in the longest time, something within my heart tells me that he is here in this moment in time for me, and I am here for him. And that maybe not now, maybe not next year, but one day we will be together."

"Leah, seriously. How can you say that from just one day in the rain?" said Bonnie, shaking her head. "You're crazy."

Leah paused and went very quiet as she thought. "Bonnie, you will only understand the power of one day when you are threatened with never having another one," she said silently as she looked away.

Bonnie was torn by her words, and she struggled with her own feelings within her heart. "But why risk your heart again?" asked Bonnie, taking her cousin's hand.

"The same reason you're making a tape for Raff," said Leah with a smile, pointing to the stereo. "I need something to believe in."