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Effortlessly, the liquid leaves my bladder. With closed eyes my heart hammers wildly within my ribcage anxiously. For no reason, I don't want to do this anymore. For a moment, I begin to think of the very step to take as soon as this is confirmed.
Should I still go ahead with it?
Ignorance, they say is bliss. What if he doesn't want a child now? Realising I have been staring at my urine for more than a minute, I summon up enough courage as I grab the container and dip the absorbent tip of the PT test strip before counting from 1 to 10 and then recapping it.
With trembling hands, I place the strip on the flat counter while fidgeting with my hands and watching the timer on my phone. In five minutes, I would know my fate.
I shut my eyes clamping my hands together and slamp my feet impatiently on the floor. When I flicker my eyes back open traces of the doubtful expression of a woman I can barely recognise in just a few minutes stared back at me from the mirror. I can barely recognise myself. What then will happen if I am indeed pregnant?
I try to smile but it falters
I try to stay calm but the trembling won't stop.
I try to kill upset too, perhaps it might help with how I feel but I don't look angry.
My expression is filled with nothing but anxiety, hope, doubts and optimism. Something dings and it occurs to me that it is the timer. Five minutes is up. It is time to see the results of what we did a month ago.
Even though my curiosity led me to this, I can't brace myself up to look down at the strip right in front of me. My eyes are looking directly into the mirror. Suddenly my eyes water. A lump is stuck in my throat. My chest is heavy too.
Balling my hand into a fist and letting out a long sigh, I stop my head down to stare at the two red lines staring right back at me. My heart stops for a minute. My breathing hitched too. When it finally dawns on me that this is what I want, I clasp my hand over my mouth stepping back with laughter erupting from my throat.
Finally!
I'm pregnant.
I'm having a baby.
When my back hits the wall, it sanks in making my laughter stop halfway. My initial fear was to know if he would want this too. This is not just about me. It is about us. Our child. I should tell him. Then I would know if he wants a baby as much as I do.
Hurriedly I grab the strip and dump it in the bin before rushing outside, unable to hide my excitement. My husband and I have been married for three years. Our relationship didn't kick off right. We started on the wrong foot. Our marriage was arranged.
From my side, it wasn't arranged. It was what I wanted. I loved my husband right from the very first day I set my eyes on him. As I race up the stairs, my heart keeps pounding harder. When I get to last stairs, I grab onto the stairwell to take in a long breath before moving towards his home office door.
But a sound stops me from opening the door as my hand goes numb on the door handle.
"I love you, joy." My husband's voice booms loudly shocking the living hell out of me.
When his deep rich laughter follows. I know j am not imagining things and this is real. I imagine how his Adam's apple will go back and forth as he chuckled. I imagine how his eyes will beam with delight as he spills the love word without a hassle.
Joy.
Who the hell is that?
Intense anger mixed with jealousy sets in. Who the hell is Joy? Who is she to have had him laughing that way when it took me three good years to finally see his genuine laughter? Unconsciously, I open the door just in time to see him standing up from behind the huge mohagamy brown desk. Our eyes interlock for a second.
I don't know if he can see the anger in my eyes or whether he choose to ignore them because he looks away as though he wasn't being unfaithful a while ago. Just before I can ask him who he was on the phone with just now and why he was telling another woman he loves her, he beats me to it.
"I was just about to come see you." He states reminding me of the reason why I am also here.
Whenever he is in here, I don't disturb him. I rarely come here to see him because he hated interruptions and distractions. Yet he was on a call with a woman telling her he loved her when he was supposed to be working. Rages bubbles inside of me.
"Did you get the papers?" He demands almost immediately not staring at me. Instead he is picking up some files from the desk and dumping them inside his briefcase. He looks like he is going out.
If I haven't overheard his conversation with the so called Joy, I would have assumed he was heading to work. This is usual.
But no.
Deep down, I know work isn't coming. This is Joy calling.
"What papers?" My curiosity gets the better of me. I am supposed to ignore him and go straight to the point about the pregnancy. Perhaps that will make him change his mind about being unfaithful.
"The divorce papers." He blurts out indifferently. My jaws drop as I take a step backwards. I didn't see that coming. Divorce? What happened to the changed between us these past few weeks? Is this because of this Joy? How can he do this?
"Di-divorce?" I find myself stuttering as I clench my stomach as though it will vanish into thin air. He nods and darts his eyes towards me.
"My girlfriend, Lee So young is back." He announced without any atom of shame. "Remember the agreement we had? Now that Joy is back, we should get a divorce so I can marry her."
Lee Soyoung? Yeah it is her. How could I have forgotten? I take another step backwards, tears welling up in my eyes and lumps upon lumps getting stuck in my throat.
I shake my head desperately wanting to say something. To fight for us. Keep my marriage intact. To tell him we are expecting a baby. But I know nothing can change his mind. The tall strong handsome man before me is staring at me with hope and strong determination.
His mind can not be changed. Lee Soyoung is the his obsession. If my arranged marriage to him didn't stop him from loving her all these years, then there is nothing that can stop him from marrying her at this point.
Realising that the loser here is me, I turn back on my heels and take the exit before tears roll down my eyes.
