a pearl

ch.13: upset.

hyunjin frowns, he feels like he is going to cry, feeling like his chest is about to explode and it's hurting. he is upset, he is disappointed at himself. seungmin gave him everything and this is how he pays him. how he pays his love, care and affection.

he feels like his eyes are already wet and feels its hard to breathe. he's failing at everything, it upsets him. he tried his best to do on the exams and all he got was barely fifty percent. he is sulking—whatever.

seungmin is smart. he is incredibly intelligent with his fake glasses he wore just to make him feel confident and smart which hyunjin called him hot for wearing glasses, he is smart at everything, the lowest mark he ever got was ninety-seven percent and it upsets him. he said he was upset for getting ninety-seven percent in front of hyunjin. hyunjin doesn't say anything and glances at his paper—thirty-eight percent—and shrugs, trying to distract himself. he thought he was going to pass the subject but oh well, he is wrong. no matter how tired he was from studying all night.

he feels like sobbing.

"hey baby. what are you doing?" hyunjin hears seungmin's sweet quiet voice as he covers his body with the blanket and turns to the side to shape himself into a ball to comfort himself because he is never showing anyome that he is insecure. its embarrassing.

'what's there to insecure of? you've got a pretty face. it must be so easy to get what you want.'

"just...trying to sleep." hyunjin mumbles. he wants to hug seungmin and cry on his chest, seungmin would caress his head fondly, whispering sweet nothings to comfort hyunjin.

"hm? its quite early, no? tomorrow's saturday." seungmin states, approaching their bed. its early for hyunjin and not him. it's seungmin's bedtime now.

hyunjin just shrugs, not in the mood of talking or saying anything right now. he is upset that he is treating seungmin this way. seungmin lays next to him, "my love." he whispers. "whats wrong?" seungmin asks gently, holding hyunjin's shoulder so he can face him. hyunjin wants to cry.

hyunjin frowns even more, his thick lips jutting out, eyes glossy, lips downturned. seungmin recognize this face so well, it makes him chuckle because hyunjin is so damn cute when he's happy, upset and tired. mostly tired. makes him wants to buy hyunjin bungeobbang to cheer hyunjin up.

"my baby. whats wrong?" seungmin asks, cupping hyunjin's cheek gently. finally, hyunjin lets out the first whimper and the first tear rolls down to the bridge of his nose from lying down.

seungmin shushes him, pulling him to his chest, touching hyunjin's hair to caress it. "what's bothering you, hyune?" he asks. hyunjin is embarrassed to open up. he is insecure of himself. all he got called was pretty face. he is nothing but a pretty face. so useless. he doesn't do great in school. and he hates his art. the only thing he is good at his disappointing everyone and himself. its embarrassing to be just 'a pretty face'.

hyunjin shakes his head on seungmin's chest. face wet, sniffling, hands around seungmin's waist and one leg draped over seungmin's legs.

"im upset." hyunjin replies weakly. "and im in love with you. just tell me what's wrong, i won't judge you." seungmin answers back with a stern yet gentle tone.

hyunjin sniffles. "im embarrassed." he whispers. seungmin pecks his head, "of what?" he asks.

"...of myself." he whispers.

seungmin is quiet for some time, his hand never stop caressing hyunjin's silky long hair. he is thinking. "for what?" he asks again.

"can we not have this conversation right now?" hyunjin frowns as he starts to move away, face wet with tears, sniffling and all. he wipes his face with the back of his hand, leaving the bed. did he just overshared?

what?

seungmin furrows his eyebrows, "hyunjin, no. what is wrong with you?" why does his mood change so sudden? seungmin feels like he's left in the dark ever since he dated hyunjin but never says anything about it because maybe hyunjin needs time. but it feels unbearable. how can he feel good when hyunjin frequently shrugs everything off whenever seungmin worries about him. always trying to change the topic if their topic was about him.

until when are they going to repeat this thing? seungmin tries to take care of him, ask him what's wrong, what's the problem but all he got was "nothing, can we talk about something else?"

hyunjin glares seungmin, "what is wrong with me?" he echoes, offended. "there's nothing wrong with me! what are you talking about?" he snaps, eyes filled with anger. there is fire in his eyes, something seungmin hasn't seen at all.

seungmin looks betrayed, he's looking at hyunjin disappointedly. "i am just worried about you. but you won't fucking open up because—what? i can see your insecurities, hyunjin. but i didn't say anything at all. i tried to make you feel better about it but you just—" seungmin's voice cracks, his hand rises to cover his watery eyes.

"you're always shrugging it off. you're making me feel like i don't care about you when its the opposite." his voice is stern and hard, jaw clenching, looking into hyunjin's teary eyes.

"i feel upset, hyunjin. just tell me whats wrong."

hyunjin rolls his eyes, "you said it already. i don't have to repeat it." he mutters, not wanting to continue this any longer. he doesn't need a reminder that he is not good in anything.

"i love you." seungmin sounds devastated, like he is trying to prove something. "don't you get it? im in love with you, hyunjin. what—"

hyunjin scowls, eyes wet with tears, "whats there to love?! i don't fucking get it! why do you love me?! you said it wasn't my looks then what is it?" hyunjin screams, pouring his heart out, feeling vulnerable that he might just explode right now.

seungmin frowns, "you think—you think i fucking love you just because of your looks? what do you mean 'what's there to love?'?! you're—oh my god, hyunjin. its like—" seungmin chokes on his tears, "you're saying that as if—all this time, all of the 'i love you's i had said to you—its like- like its empty to you when i meant it so fucking much. you're saying that whatever i love about you is not there."

hyunjin sobs, breath heavy and his chest physically hurts, "then—what do you want me to do?! are you breaking up with me?" he asks because who would wanna be with him if not for his looks or his body?

"i don't want to break up with you."

"but you're mad at me." hyunjin whimpers.

"i am mad at you. but that doesn't mean i want to stop loving you. you're so much more than your looks. you have a beautiful heart and personality. that's enough to make me fall in love with you forever."

"then what do you want me to do?"

"stop comparing yourself. stop listening to bullshit people spat at you. stop fucking criticizing yourself at everything when you were just trying do your best. im asking for you to love yourself. is that too much to ask? no, right?"

hyunjin covers his face in shame as he cries more.

seungmin approaches him, pulling hyunjin to his body. "i love you. you might hate yourself or maybe me too but i will always love you. nothing is going to change that, hm?" seungmin mutters before kissing the corner of hyunjin's lips and cheek. hyunjin frowns, "i never hated you and i love you too." he replies back.

seungmin smiles softly, "thank you."