"[...] it's like I'm sabotaging myself, like I want to stop myself from being happy, like I'm no longer allowed to be happy. A way to atone for my guilt."
Hyunjin after years of loneliness, fear and angst, decides to do something for himself for onc...
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Hyunjin
The taxi drives away behind me, in front of me a more than familiar crimson door. It's late but I know he's still awake, he's always been a night owl. The faint light of the lamp that filters through the curtains of the windows of his living room is further confirmation of this. I ring the doorbell and in a few seconds the blood red door of the small house opens.
"Jinnie, what are you doing here?"
Chan at first is confused and amazed, he gives me a smile that fades after a few seconds when he sees my face streaked with tears, exuding anger and sadness and anxiety.
"Come on in," he quickly steps aside and I cross the threshold without saying a word.
"Channie, who is it?"
Felix gets up from the couch and turns towards us. A movie whose title I don't know is paused on TV.
"Jinnie, hi!" he greets me with his usual radiant smile but Chan nods at him and the freckled boy immediately turns serious, frowning, "Did something happen?"
"Hyunjin, does it have to do with lunch at your parents'? Did Minho's date go badly? Did he do something against your consent?"
Chan gets angry, raising the tone of his voice more and more as he peppers me with questions to guess the reason for my unexpected visit.
"Come, sit here with us," Felix makes room for me on the couch, I shuffle my feet as if I had weights on my ankles, my head bowed, my jaw clenched. I sit on the couch next to him, Chan sits down on the armchair next to us but not before offering me a glass of water.
I inhale a long breath, filling my lungs before finding the strength to speak, looking at a fixed point in front of me.
"Lunch with my parents has nothing to do with why I'm here."
The couple remains in absolute silence, giving me the time I need to find the words, "and Minho was wonderful. He set up the perfect date, we ice skated, drank hot chocolate, talked, kissed, went to the movies and then he took me to this luxury hotel nestled in the woods to spend the night there. It was supposed to be our first time. He even officially asked me to be his boyfriend, as if we were in middle school," I whisper the last part, letting out a breathy chuckle full of a bitterness that does not escape my friends. My fingers grip the glass in my hands and I raise my head, glaring at Chan, who stares at me in turn with an enigmatic look.
"I was going to call you to tell you the audition time tomorrow, but my phone wasn't working. So I asked Minho if I could use his."
I don't say anything else, I simply wait, piercing my best friend with the most penetrating and eloquent gaze I can muster. I wait for Chan to connect the dots, which happens in a matter of seconds, when he mutters a "fuck" and runs a hand through his wavy hair.
"Yeah Chan, fuck."
"Excuse me, can someone explain to me what's going on?" Felix asks confused and slightly annoyed, clearly feeling left out of the conversation.
