Behind Closed Doors (New Version)

Chapter 47

Olivia's pov

It's a new day and it's one of those days where the world outside is so bright it's almost mocking. The sun's blazing, the sky is a perfect blue, and there's a slight breeze that makes the trees sway gently outside the window. But I'm sitting here in my office again , trapped in my own darkness, wearing long sleeves even though it's hot as hell.

I haven't really spoken to Jenna today. I can't. If she sees me, really sees me, she'll know something's wrong. She'll see the tiredness in my eyes, the way I'm moving slower than usual, like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And she'll see the long sleeves, the way they cling to my arms in this stifling heat, and she'll know something's off.

I can't afford to be questioned. I can't handle her concern or her pity, and I sure as hell can't let her see the mess I've made of myself. So, I'm avoiding her, keeping to myself as much as possible. When we do talk, it's brief, just small, meaningless exchanges that don't require me to show her too much.

I've locked myself in my office, trying to pretend that this is just another day, but it's not. I'm losing it. The voices in my head haven't stopped. They're still there, taunting me, reminding me of every single failure, every mistake, every way I've screwed up. And no matter what I do, I can't silence them.

My eyes are burning. I haven't slept since... I don't even know when. The nights blend into the days, a continuous cycle of torment that leaves me exhausted, but too wired to rest. I catch my reflection in the screen of my laptop, and I barely recognize myself. My eyes are red, bloodshot from the lack of sleep, and there are dark circles underneath that make me look like a ghost of myself.

I'm sick of this. Sick of everything. Sick of myself. The thought of food turns my stomach, and I realize I haven't eaten since... when? Yesterday? The day before? It doesn't matter. I'm not hungry. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve anything, really.

I can't even tell if I should be planning for a proposal or my own funeral.

One moment I'm staring at the design of the ring on my laptop, thinking about how I want to make things right with Jenna, how I want to show her that I'm committed, that I love her. The next moment, I'm thinking about how easy it would be to just... end it. To make all the pain, all the noise in my head, stop.

Robert sent out another picture of the ring being made, and it's exactly what I wanted. It's perfect. Jenna would love it. If I ever get the chance to give it to her.

But then there's this other part of me, this darker part, that keeps whispering that it's too late. That I've already messed things up beyond repair, and no amount of expensive jewelry is going to fix that.

I'm numb. I can't feel anything except this crushing sense of hopelessness. It's like a weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to do anything except sit here and stare at this damn ring design, wondering if it's even worth it.

I try to imagine what my life would be like if I did propose, if Jenna said yes, if we got married and raised our baby together. I try to imagine us being happy, being a family. But the voices in my head won't let me. They keep telling me that I'm a fool for even thinking it's possible, that I'm destined to ruin everything, that I don't deserve a happy ending.

I don't know how long I sit here, staring at the screen, lost in my thoughts. Time doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. The hours pass, but I don't move. I can't. I'm paralyzed by indecision, by fear, by this overwhelming sense of despair that's eating away at me from the inside.

My mind starts spiraling again, racing through all the ways I've messed up. It's like a never-ending loop of failure and regret, and no matter how hard I try, I can't shut it off. The voices keep telling me that I'm worthless, that I don't deserve her, that I'm only going to keep hurting her. They tell me that she's better off without me, that everyone would be better off if I just disappeared.