caffeine kisses

three

[ it took 92374749 days for me to be over you. ]

when you first walked out of our small, dainty apartment, I thought I would have to drown myself in alcohol to forget you.

I realised

I loved you more when I was drunk and hated you even more when not.

I have been sober for years now.

you still often haunt my dreams, living in the armchair near the fire place 5 years ago. a cup of coffee and a laptop beside you for your work, soft music played out from the music player we bought out for cheap bucks.

I still find you waiting for me to get home.

and you cook me my favourite ramen to lift my sour mood. your caffeine kisses all over my skin as you make me yours every night. our sweaty bodies never letting go-hands all over each other claiming fervently-- a place to come home.

[ 5837393 cigars and cups of coffee and a whole tonnes of veronal to even think of forgetting you. ]

you were my home and now,
i have nowhere else to go.

and when I had gotten closer
to forget you, to blur out the lines of your chiseled face and your sweet, sweet smiles and your addicting hands--

[ 236484 jars of tears and I'm still not even a quarter to drown out the symphonies you sung me ]

I dream of you again;
and this time, you walk out on me again
and again and again and again--the cycle repeats over the night, i lay awake with tears and choke on screams that won't dare come out-

[ 534586 diaries filled with letters you will never read ]

I think of you again

all the times you promised me;
treacherous hope ruined me to think someone like me could keep up with the likes of you,

[ 1785 hits of cigars but
the thought of you not existing is catastrophe to my entire existence ]

in my reality, I stand on edge of a cliff with my back to the loud waves crashing below and i jump.

back at the remains of what my home was, the last page of my latest dairy reads:

I loved you
before I knew you,
i love you
when I knew you,
i will love you
even when you will
never know.