Lando Norris has known Stephania Anderson almost his whole life, but the childhood friends had a rough falling out when she started dating his then teammate. Now four years later, he finds himself back in her life and he has to deal with the feelin...
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26. Cinnamon Girl
Stephania's perspective (Flashback to 2 years ago)
The smell of smoke and burnt tires, makes me miss him even more tonight. At the best of times, I'm lonely in my mind, but the days ache and my nights are long. It's been two years and still, you're not gone. You have never left my mind, so I guess I'm the one who's still holding on. And I don't think you ever intended to hurt me, but you did, more than you will ever know.
The day what we had ended, I felt my whole life irreversibly shift. What once made so much sense, no longer did. My view of the world was flipped upside-down. My sense of belonging was ripped away from under my feet. For what am I, without you? Who am I, if not yours? What is intimacy, if not your name?
I am no longer attached to you, but I'm still in denial - for at least a little while. What about all of the plans we made? But now I'm getting tired of waiting by the phone, hopelessly listening for him not calling me.
In the weeks after, I found myself tracing my fingertips along the cracks in the porcelain on my heart, and I could feel the imprint where your hands used to rest. There are a couple of chips missing, exposing the bleeding red beneath. And I know those pieces rest in your pocket. And I don't blame you, Of course you had to leave with some sort of piece of me. And I'm not angry that you took a part of my heart. You only took what was already yours to keep. I guess I'm just sad, because even though you have it, it won't make us any less of strangers. And now your absence has stained my body like red wine.
You and I, we were such a long beginning with such a fast, quick end. The universe slammed the door in our faces and locked it tight just as we reached for the handle. And sometimes I think about what might have been waiting for us on the other side - I doubt I will ever know. Beacuse I've got you caught up in all my daydreams. You play in my mind, won't let me sleep, but you're not the one who's in my sheets. Stil, I love the way you plays with my head. So I think we may always be a little drawn to each other. Because what else can you do, when your story was never finished? When there are so many pages left unread. How do you just put it down? Will we always be unfinished?
Some nights I dream of you. And In my dream, we do not burn out the way we did - none of us are left with scars of blood stains. We are given a peaceful end where you smile at me and I'm not afraid of what you will say. None of us have any reason to apologize or say goodbye.
Some nights I dream of you. And I tell you all that you did to hurt me; I lay it all out in simple terms. It involves me me yelling how much I hate you until my throat is raw. I fantazise about the look on your face, how your mouth drops, how the guilt will plaster on your face, how sadness will glaze over your eyes.
And now I'm just so tired. I am tired of playing these childhood games with you. I'm tired of walking on eggshells without shoes. I am sick of being second place. You run too fast, away from me, and I can never reach you. For I am tired of chasing someone who will never let me catch them. I could never tame him. He could never be mine. And you have always been good at hiding, but to me you are invisible. It seems that you don't understand the pain of losing someone and not being able to find them again. You aren't one for following the rules, and you never were. I know this because no matter how many times I get ''he loves me'' when I pluck the petals off, you always find a way for it to be ''he loves me not''.
And I know you can't stand my face, I have heard how you drag my name through the dirt. You've told all of your friends you want me dead and said that I did everything wrong. Well, I can't help but notice that he seems happier than ever now. So I guess that it seems I was the problem somehow. Well, I'll take all the vitriol, because somehow it doesn't hurt. It is a reminder that you're still holdin' on, that you haven't moved on either. I love to know I still cross your mind, because I can't stand the thought that you one day will forget me.
I am just so deathly afraid that the next time our eyes meet, you will find yourself staring at a stranger. And I will find myself watching somebody realize that I have become a person they no longer recognize. Because we have known each other for so long that I can't imagine my life, myself, without you anymore. And I really don't want to. You were supposed to be my other half - but now I am trying to convince myself of all the reasons you are not.
Still, I would like to think that if we never were to speak again, you will one day look back on me fondly. As somebody who didn't fear the future when they pictured you by their side. I would like to think that you will remember me as somebody who loved you the best they could, even if it wasn't always what you wanted or needed. I would like to think you will remember me as somebody you could have spent your life with, if only the timing had been right. If only we had worked for it, just a little bit harder.
I still ask myself: What if we met now? Would it be different? Would the ending still be the same? What if maybe you really were the right person, at the wrong time? But I don't think you were. Because when it's the right person at the wrong time, it's the world that tears you apart - It's not this.
It is unfair how the universe sent me a boy who understood me like no one else, held me like no one else, looked at me like no one else, cared for me like no one else, and loved me like no one else. We never had an awkward stage, we clicked immediately. But then the universe turned him into yet another lesson. It hurts so much, because it was the first time I finally felt safe, and then it was all taken away from me in a second. I watched it slip through my fingers. Leaving me cold and alone again. So now my longings will stay unspoken. You were out of my league and you will forever be my teenage dream, even though I know we'll never be those kids again.
However, the worst thing is that now I have to love you silently. I can't yell it in the streets or let you know whenever I feel like it anymore. Now I can only scream it to the barriers of my mind. And eventually all of my noise will fade away into a faint hum. I will grow so used to it's buzz that I won't even notice it until someone asks about you or I meet someone with your name or we run into each other in the grocery store. Only then will it grow so loud I can't think of anything else. Some people have told me that it will go silent completely - that one day I'll see you and there won't even be a whisper, but I know better.
The hardest part is to be in the same room with a person, you once shared every part of your life with, but now you act like strangers. Like you don't know the deepest darkest corners of their minds. Like you can't read their body languas like your favourite book. Like you couldn't recognise their laugh and the sound of their voice everywhere. Like you don't know their favourite songs by heart. I can't just go up to you and joke around like we used to. I can't ignore you and I don't know if I could ever forget you.
I joked once that I could live without you, but that I didn't want to have to. Well, now I have to. At least, for a little while.
Stil, I find myself being homesick for u. A piece of me is left with you, it sits ready for me to collect, but I like the thought of you carrying a part of me with you wherever you go.
So yes, I miss you. Despite knowing I shouldn't. Despite knowing it only makes this worse.
But I don't miss you the same way anymore. Your absence no longer plagues me. It just sits with me, slowly becoming less of a monster and more of an old friend.
And i think I'll always be in some type of love with you, but I also know that I won't love anybody the way I loved you - And I am oddly at peace with that.
Authors Note:
hiiiii:)
Soooo this chapter was an attempt to give an insight into how Stephania has been trying to deal with losing her friendship with Lando.
