Synonyms For Better

Chapter 20 - A Pleasant Pain-- Wait, Is That An Oxymoron?

𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐍'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕

I DIDN'T KNOW if it was indigestion or what, but I had this weird feeling in my gut (oh that rhymed, haha). It was that desolate feeling you get when you open the fridge, stare into it for five (or six or seven or twenty) minutes, and then realize that what you're actually missing isn't even in there. 

That makes sense... Right? 

This train ride with Renzo to Lorentown was turning out to be just slightly therapeutic but very much scary because all my feelings were just out there like a sad little three-legged puppy in the rain. 

After we said goodbye to each other, Jolene, Renzo, Cora and I had gone our own ways. Well, Jolene and Cora had gone separately, since Renzo and I had gone together because I was traveling to Lorentown for a while before going to a friend's wedding in Devenshire. 

After Cora had left, something felt kind of hollow right in the middle of my chest. I'd told her, "Don't forget me, Miss A.B.," and then she'd looked at me murderously, which of course, was expected. 

But when her taxi had rumbled away, far off in the distance, and I'd still forgotten she'd left and turned to tell her something, only to be met with empty air— it hit me then. I wanted to flag that taxi down and maybe, oh, I don't know, hug her one last time or something. 

But why? 

And why did I know that it wouldn't be enough to do just that?

Along came Renzo, of course, and got to play pretend-psychologist with me, and made me realize exactly why my heart was aching.

It was like, you come back from an amazing trek and wonder why everything feels... off, like you left something important behind, but it was very much not your water bottle or something. Not even close.

Nope. Instead, I had a freaking crush. A huge, unprecedented one at that, and now it was all over before it even started— and yes, it's as pathetically heartbreaking as it sounds. Realizing my crush ended up crushing me. Haha. 

But what made the pain a thousand times worse and a thousand times better —simultaneously— was the special person in the middle of it all. 

Cora. 

She made it a sort of pleasant pain. 

Wait, isn't that some grammar thing? Like, an oxymoron, or something? Something about two opposite concepts in one phrase?

Huh. Much like Cora and I. 

But I didn't want to emphasize how different we were, because it made my lungs hurt. So I stopped thinking about that, instead immediately rewinding to grammar. But then thinking about grammar instantly conjured up an image of Cora in a sexy, teacher-like outfit, tight bun and all, totally strict and uptight, but I knew just exactly what would undo her...

Oh, fūck. I needed to stop. 

Ah, see? There it was again: our differences. Cora was much more innocent than that. And I, on the other hand... Let's just leave it at that, shall we? Because this book was not labeled mature, and let's keep it that way, yeah?

At least for now. 

But long story short, Cora and I were opposites and it made my heart ache because outside of physics, did opposites really attract?

I mean, I knew that I liked everything about her. Every little thing that made her so foreign to me before, it wasn't so scary or different now. Despite our differences, I saw myself in her (not like that; I mean, also like that, but that's not the point right now) and she was simply... Cora, my crazy little Almond, and I wanted her. But could I have her?