TNN Oneshots (Angst + Fluff)

Unwanted Thoughts

TW: SH, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
DONT READ ON IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, NOT DETAILED BUT A FEW PARAGRAPHS ON IT

Clodagh's Pov:

"Hey babe I'm heading off to work. I'm going shopping later. Do you need anything from the shops?" A lovely redhead, my wife—Sorscha, asked me.

"No, I don't believe so.." I pause thinking, "Actually can you get some more aubergine? I want to try a new recipe tonight."

I watch her face think and do a slight accepting tilt. "Yeah, I can do that. More aubergine got it."

I smile as she gives me a quick kiss on the lips, and kissing our daughter, quinn, on the forehead. "I'll see you later, i love you."

"Alright babe, i love you too."

The door shuts. I bounce Quinn in my arms. Suddenly I'm alone again. Again. And again. I've been on maternity leave for a little bit now, and it has been the loneliest I've ever felt. I use to work from home while Sorscha was at the nursery but even then, i never felt like how I do now.

I sigh and turn on the television, maybe there's something interesting on today. I flip through the channels while taking slight glances at my daughter, her hair was growing really well. Its a red. I try to keep my focus anywhere but my loneliness. Loneliness, how can I feel so lonely with my beautiful daughter in my arms and a wife who at the drop of a hat will come running to me.

Nothing on television, again, same as yesterday. Quinn isn't old enough to enjoy cartoons so it's not likely that I can easily sit her down and just let those play. She's barely old enough to see me let alone characters on the screen.

I hear her start to cry. Checking my phone, 1:30, right it's nap time. I despise nap time, I know a lot of parents wait for it for some alone time. I hate alone time, there's nothing good about it. I carry her to her crib and set her down, making sure the baby cam is set to the perfect setting. Creeping out of the room, I silently shut the door. I don't hear crying from the baby cam app on my phone, so I guess she fell asleep quickly and easily.

I contemplate what to do in the hour or two hours even I have before she wakes up. My phone buzzes, I hope to see a text message but it's just a game notification.

God, this feeling is just the worse. I have so many friends from work and I even have Sorscha's from the nursery but I'm sure they are all busy it's mid-day.

I could take a gander at Instagram. See if the Knight Nursery has any updates. They always have chaos going on over there.

Chaos..? Chaos. Chaos is such an interesting word. It describes my exact thoughts. I don't get a mental or physical break anymore.

I haven't been able to lay on the couch without having constant intrusive thoughts. I wish they were simply "impulsive" but I'm quite sure that wanting to relapse isn't just impulsive. It only gets stronger when I'm alone.

My phone lights up my face as I stare at my contacts. Only five come up on my favorites list as I open my phone app.

"Babe ❤️"
"Autumn (KN)"
"Charlotte (KN)"
"Marjorie (Sorscha's Boss)"
"MIL 🤍"

Sorscha's working I can't call her, and if she's working so is Charlotte, Marjorie, and Autumn. And unfortunately my mother-in-law is out of the country right now for work.

My thoughts are feeling insanely heavy today, I usually can just ignore them and hope they go away soon but eventually I just toss my phone across the couch and curl up into a ball, sobbing. I can't even get through twenty minutes without breaking.

I tried to fight back the thoughts. The thoughts reminding me where they were. Telling me I'll feel good afterwards. I deserve it anyways if I act like this when my kids in the other room.  Eventually they just stop.

I don't know how much time passed between my brain exploding itself over the thoughts or the lines on my arms. I was sat on the cool bathroom floor the one connected to our bedroom. It didn't have a theme but it was mostly gray and white. It made me smile. Only for a second before I remembered what I had done.

"Did I.." I froze looking at my arms. I haven't done this since I was teenager. We only owned the blades since Sorscha prefers a single blade razor. It felt like a second, but in reality 45 minutes had passed. I felt tears slowly drip down my cheeks. I guess I let all of it out earlier. When I threw my phone, out of loneliness despite knowing one of the five would have answered.
I regret it, I regret what I just did. But I can't turn back time.

I'm only forced off the ground and to clean myself up when I hear Quinn wailing. I quickly get up off the floor, hide the blades right where I had known where they were before. And cleaned up. I had been wearing a black button up before Sorscha left so she shouldn't get suspicious.. I hope. The white bandages I wrapped around my arm should last.

After a few hours, Sorscha returns home.

"Hey babe! How was work?" I smile and ask her.

"Yeah it was grand, got everything you'd expect from a nursery. Upset parents, screaming children, but I wouldn't have it any other way. How have you and Quinn been?" I could listen to her Irish accent all day. I adore it.

I snap out of my head. "We've been good, she took a two hour nap today. Did you get the-"

"The aubergine? Yeah I just put it in the fridge. I'm going to shower because a baby threw up on me today so I want to you know get out of these clothes aa soon as possible. Love ya." I giggle at her as she rushes off to the bathroom. I grab the ingredients and start to prepare the food.

I hear Sorscha call my name from the bathroom. I rush over only to see her confused face staring at my not so hidden, hiding space, I was in such a rush I didn't hide them well.

"Clodagh, are you okay? Agatha stopped me on the way out, she was talking about this, have you been having intrusive thoughts?" She asked inna very concerned and panicked voice. My eyes could only widen and no matter what I did sound didn't exit my mouth. I just nodded my head.

"Babe, what's been going on? Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't noti-" I cut her off. My voice very meek.

"You couldn't have known.. It only happened when I was alone." I stare up at her, my eyes slightly watery.

"I should have noticed. My god. You know what, I'm going to just change my clothes quickly, and we are going to finish up dinner and after that we can cuddle, spend time with Quinn, and figure out what to do to prevent this. Because you're so beautiful, and wonderful I can't bear the idea of you hurting yourself." I nod and smile. She changed into a comfortable ACDC T-shirt and sweatpants. Rushing to help me finish dinner.

Once Quinn was asleep we managed to come up with a plan if I needed anything, call Autumn or Marjorie through the Nursery phone. And no questions asked they'll get me through to Sorscha or Charlotte, and if neither of them can help then one of them can help keep me company.

We spent the end of the night asleep on the sofa while we watched one of Sorscha's favorite movies.

A/N
Im not sorry, this isnt the best because it was written at 3am but I hope you enjoyed because I know I did(n't it genuinely pained me to hurt Clodagh, i promise I love them)