Restored

~5~

TW-throwing up

I sat in math as they talked about algebra and struggled to explain to most kids why there were now letters. I was unbelievably bored and began to doodle on my hand with a fine tip sharpie for the rest of the class. I was seated in the back row of the class next to a girl who had taken 3 blinkers since the class started, and a boy who looked familiar, but I couldn't tell from where.

"Hey, nice drawings." He whispered with a smile, gesturing to my hand. I returned the smile with a simple 'thank you' before I returned to drawing. After about 5 minutes, I tried to remember where I had seen this boy before, then I remembered where I'd seen him. He was the boy I practically trampled getting off the bus. I felt relieved once I figured that out and began daydreaming  about Zach. I couldn't stop thinking about how he had hugged me with such care, how he genuinely wanted to make sure I felt better, parts of be still believed he was just doing that so I would shut up so he wouldn't have to deal with me any longer. I kept jumping between feelings of guilt, relief, and regret.

"Hey," the bus boy whispered again, "I know it isn't true, but there are things going around about you and Zach, and I just wanted to make sure you knew." He had a look of sympathy on his face. His words worried me. What were people saying? Why were they saying it? So many questions filled my mind as I began to feel nauseous once again. I asked to use the restroom and sped down the hall until I reached the door less bathroom. I entered a stall and sat on the tank of the toilet, and held my head in my hands, trying to breathe calmly and focus on the good, but there really isn't much of that happening in the very moment. I began to feel as though I was going to vomit. With a loud I sigh, I took my large elastic and tied my braids up so I wouldn't get any vomit on them and knelt in front of the toilet. I allowed myself to gag silently, but the vomit wouldn't come up. I should feel glad I didn't throw up, but this time, I didn't. I felt disgusting, pig like, I felt as though I had to throw up. I took a deep breath and slowly placed my fingers on the back of my tongue, and as I pushed down, I gagged louder than intended, but I continued to do so. i saw a small amount of vomit come up and fall in the toilet, but I wanted it to be more, I didn't feel like doing so would make a difference, and suddenly, I got the realization that if I do this, I won't feel any better, atleast I believed I wouldn't. Feeling disgusted in myself, I stood, untying my hair and stepping out of the stall. I walked towards the sink and washed my hands off, and rinsed my mouth off. I took a small step back and placed each hand on a side of the sink. I stared at my feet, giving myself a bit more time to breathe. I was just about to stand up straight when I heard scatering footsteps rush behind me.Was someone in the bathroom this whole time? Who? What would they think? Who would they tell?

Thoughts continued to invade my head as I slowly walked down the hallway back to my class. Just as I slipped through the door, the bell signaling lunch time sounded over the intercoms. I grabbed my backpack from the back of the class and headed out the front doors of the school, meeting Zach, Tarra, and Darik to head and get lunch up the road.  We chose macdonalds just because it's cheap and yummy (Dariks words), but I didn't have an appetite after today.

I wonder if Zach knows what everyone one is saying. Should I ask? I won't bother. He'd say something if he wanted to.

"What do you wanna order?" He asked as we approached the counter.

"Oh, I'm not hungry, thanks, though." I said with a small smile so he doesn't see I'm upset. He gave me a look, then walked up to the cash and ordered food for him and the others. After a few moments, our number was called, and we picked everything up. Checking the time, we saw we had enough time to walk slowly back and eat as we go. We were right by the school when everyone finished, and I was on garbage duty, so I speed walked over to the trash can and tossed it in from afar to not get a waft of the smell.