;
Chapter 25
Most of the people who know me and think highly of me would definitely ask what happened to me. Kung tatanungin man talaga nila ako, 'di ko alam ang tamang isasagot.
Parang 'di ko na rin kilala ang sarili ko.
I got scarred by the relationships I voluntarily entered. I could not go back in time to correct myself. Wala na, narito na ang resulta ng pagpili ko.
Yes, I regret having relationships with guys who only had carnal desires on me but I still took advantage of their interests. I felt like those interests had boosted me during the time. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko naman pala kailangan magtiis sa isang relasyon na kailangan pang itago sa ibang tao. I somehow felt free, especially in expressing my feelings towards the person I liked.
But then again, it backfired.
Pagdating ko sa Pilipinas ay nag-reactivate na 'ko sa lahat ng social media accounts ko dahil wala namang nagbago noong hindi ko binubuksan dahil apektado pa rin ako hanggang ngayon. Iyon talaga ang inatupag ko pagkauwi galing Cebu sa halip na magpahinga.
I checked his profile on every social media account he has, wala namang updated posts maliban na lang sa iilang tagged posts na kasama siya. Some of the pictures are posted by girls, mga kaibigan niya noon pa. Nakita ko rin na kasama niya si Martin Gracio na nakilala ko noon. Mostly, the photos are about medical school and hangouts after school. May ibang kuha naman na pormal silang lahat pero mas maraming litrato na nagsasaya sila.
He seemed to enjoy their company. Some of the photos his friends took were solo shots of him smiling and laughing at something I don't have any idea. May ilan naman doon na tumatagay ng alak o kaya naman naka-akbay sa kaibigan.
Good for them. Good for him.
And here I am, still in the same spot where he left me.
I also checked the comments of the posts. Marami roon ay puro komento ng mga babae. 'Di ko alam kung kaibigan niya pa rin ba ang mga iyon dahil nag-reply siya. Ang ilan doon ay halatang interesado sa kanya at nakita kong 'pag ganoong klaseng komento na, tanging like lang ang gagawin niya.
I winced at the conclusion that he also explored after we dated. Pero mabuti na rin siguro kung ganoon, ibig sabihin, malaya na siya kay Ate Leila.
I paused then shook my head after thinking that we can finally be together, if that's the case.
To stop myself from revisiting all his profile, I muted all of his accounts that I follow. Hindi rin niya makikita ang mga posts ko. I also muted my brother's accounts pati na rin ang kay Ate Leila. Hindi ko kailangan ng kahit anong munting paalala mula sa mga posts nila.
I don't want to know their whereabouts.
Still, there was no peace. It didn't make any difference. It got worse and I just met guys that gave me bad experiences of being in a relationship.
I had intrusive thoughts of finally trying to be in a relationship with someone I liked. I tried having a partner by my side because it wasn't the case with me and Suriel. Pero ang ninais ko naman na relasyon ay 'di tugma sa naranasan ko. I didn't feel a connection with them because they are more into the physical aspect of the relationship.
Ate Leila also has a contributory effect on how I handled the previous relationships I had back in Italy. I put myself in the shoes of a woman who let herself get cheated on. Pumayag ako na hindi lang ako isa. 'Di ako nakaramdam ng pagtatraydor dahil ayos lang sa akin. Again, it was indeed a waste of time and I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn't even imagine myself getting into a relationship with another person who has a cheating tendency.
