Valerie's Guide To Postponing a Breakup

Love For Valerie

I don't take out my phone to check my messages, as it buzzes rapidly inside my tote bag. I know that it's Leo messaging me, probably requesting answers to the short message I left him just five minutes ago: Meet me at the pier.

I don't concern myself with the Uber this time. I'm on my own two feet, walking with my head high—well, not exactly high, but I'm not staring down at my feet moving across the gum-littered pavement either. I try to ignore the feeling of my hands getting more clammy by the second and ignore the sound of my own heart racing in my ears.

Instead, I count my steps.

One, two, one, two, one, two...

I have no idea how I'm going to do this—no idea how I'm going to say it.

I've never really done this sort of thing before. It's always been other people leaving me behind without warning; it's always other people completely disregarding my feelings and deciding to leave when I need them. And I never want to be the person to do that to someone else, ever. That's not what I'm doing to Leo at all.

From what I've seen, I'm the one clinging to him.

He doesn't need me.

One, two, one, two, one, two...

I have my water. I have my house keys. I have my phone. I also have money in case everything goes horribly wrong, and I'm in need of an emergency cupcake from the bakery nearby.

Believe it or not, I learnt something from last night, and it's that I need to let go.

On my way to the pier, several different scenarios play out in my head, but each one of them just seems wrong. And before I can plan out what I want to say down to every comma and every full stop, I'm at the pier. And somehow, the only scenario I didn't anticipate happens, and my heart rate increases tenfold.

Leo's already here.

I stop in my tracks, staring at him. It doesn't take long for him to notice me, and when he does, it's like time slows down. He just seems to stare at me, all sorts of different feelings flashing through his eyes. His emotion finally seems to rest in confusion, but he hides it well. He shoves his hands into his pockets, walking towards me, and suddenly time speeds up again to its normal rate.

"Er, hi, Val...erie," he says to me.

I try—and fail—to swallow down the lump in my throat. "Hello." I can't think to say anything else. "I—" I run a hand through my hair, uncertain. "I really need to talk to you, Leo."

"So do I," Leo says quickly. My heart starts thudding in my chest.

He wants to break up with me too.

"Me first," I say desperately, pleading with him. I can leave him—but he can't leave me. My heart won't survive; I know it won't. I have to be the one to carefully disassemble my entire life as I know it—but I can't have anyone else do it because instead of taking it apart piece by piece, they'll smash it, demolishing it with no means of reversal. "Please."

Leo hesitates, biting his lip. A light breeze comes along, making his curls bounce in the wind as he looks away from me, sighing through his nose. "Alright." He looks back at me, his eyes serious. "Shoot."

"I..." I sigh, angry at myself for already stumbling over my own words. So instead of beating around the bush, I decide to tell it to him straight. "I don't know what I saw yesterday, Leo, honestly." Leo's face changes, and he looks nervous, anxious. But there's something else there—something I can quite place. "Valerie—" "Let me finish." I say, drawing in a shuddering breath. "You don't need to explain myself, Leo, because it's clear—you're losing interest in me and I..." I sniff, collecting myself as tears gather in my eyes. "I can't blame you." The wind decides to attack my hair too, and a few strands blow into my face. I brush them back, pushing on despite the knot that forms in my stomach. "I just wish... I just wish I could be good enough for you, because I want you to be happy. I really do." I hesitate, bringing my hands down and wringing them together. "All I want is for you to know I love you, but it's okay, Leo, honestly."