Disgrace

Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

When the sun hits the horizon that morning, I didn't know if I wanted to continue my day without thinking about it. I keep on convincing myself that it was just a dream. A nightmare. But given all the familiar old features of our house in that dream, it seemed like it actually happened. Like it was real.

Sumakit ulit ang ulo ko noong umagang 'yon nang sinubukang kong alalahanin kung kailan ba nangyari ang mga eksenang bumibisita sa panaginip ko kada ilang gabi. I'm thankful that it doesn't come every night whenever I'm already in deep sleep. I just hope it won't get worse each night.

Wala pang ibang nakaalam sa mga panaginip ko dahil hindi ako sigurado kung totoo ba talagang aktuwal iyong  nangyari o masamang panaginip lang 'yon dulot sa mga dinaranas ko dito sa bahay.

"Did you pack up everything?" It was mom.

The day of my Aunt and Uncle's wedding anniversary was due overmorrow and we all need to be there before the two. Dad became busy as well as mom because they wanted the place to be a surprise for the buddies of their life. Daddy told me that his life was never boring because of my uncle. And mommy's business started because of my aunt because they both have the obsession towards flowers.

"Yes, mom. Is Niko coming? I heard he had a project to finish." I had to ask since I knew there won't be a person that would match my vibe there. My little brother may be a grinch but he wanted to be close to me at family gatherings or events. And I don't want to be a loner while the adults were having nonstop conversation or gossip over drinking wine and enjoying delish foods.

"Yeah, well about that, anak... I actually expected your brother to stay home because you know who he is. Projects first over everything. But I'm surprised that he's coming." She gave me a small smile before she checked my things and left.

Lumiwanag ang mukha ko sa sinabi ni mommy dahil talagang hindi  ko na kailangang mag isa kung gustuhin kong maglakad-lakad sa tabing dagat. I'll make him my photographer, again.

My aunt and uncle have a lot of friends so I much expected  for the event to be crowded kahit sa private island kami. They have a lot of acquaintances so I guess there might be people who are the same as my age.

Meron namang ganon na ka-edad ko sa kada family events pero hindi naman nila ako kinakausap kaya sa villa lang ako tumatambay. But looking back, maybe i'm not friendly at that time so I hope i'll be approaching more people to interact with and maybe to have new acquaintances.

Mommy La may be deciding who to befriend but this is my life. This isn't hers to decide what I want. If she doesn't want that then I'll talk to her about it.

Can you really do it?

I shook my head as a voice infiltrate in my mind. Kaya ko nga ba? Kung kausap ko kasi si Mommy La tungkol sa isang bagay ay uunahin niya ang mga negatibong mangyayari. Her side comments would also make it worse. That's why whenever we're having a misunderstanding or conversation, my tears would be the first to talk than the words that are stuck in my throat.

I don't know how Daddy dealt with that personality My La has. It feels like she would make this more complicated when it wasn't even a big deal.

In the midst of my reverie, my phone suddenly lit up and was vibrating. I looked at it and an Unknown caller was attached on the screen.

Nagdadalawang isip agad ako kung sasagutin ko ba ang tawag o hindi. The last time I got an unidentified caller, it was a relief that it was just Ean. Ever since my old phone got traded by Daddy's new offered phone, I didn't bother to transfer all the contacts that I have on my old one.

I stared at it. Is it Casey? No... She would let me know first before calling. Damn it. I don't have time for games.

"Hello?"

"This is Camden, don't—" I hang up.

What the...

Of all the person who was in my mind, had I thought it would be him! How long has it been since I heard his voice? His voice... It seemed different on a phone call. It was a very short time when he spoke but it was enough to fill a part of me that I never thought would be filled. Hearing his voice on phone calls would be much better than in person.

Umiling ako nang napagtanto ang mga iniisip ko. That was not the problem right now! Bakit siya tumatawag? Binagsak ko ang aking cellphone sa kama at tumitig sa bawat sulok ng aking kwarto. Walang ni isang ideya ang pumasok sa utak ko kung bakit bigla-bigla siyang tatawag.

Para na akong baliw na palipat-lipat ang pagtitig sa bawat detalye ng aking kwarto. My mind was thinking that maybe I could fish some answers on what I'm staring at. That I could figure out the exact reason why he called, but at the same time I know I'll get nothing!

Why is he calling, anyway? That was so out of the blue. And by the way... He has my number? It didn't took me a minute to know how he got my number. Four. That kid.

Pinulot ko ulit ang aking cellphone, the caller just now was flashed at the top of my notification bar once again.

+63 *** *** ****

I'm sorry. Pwede ba tayong mag-usap?

Sorry? What for? I really don't know what he's sorry for. Umupo ako sa kama habang nakatitig pa rin sa text. Paulit-ulit ko iyong binasa at pinoproseso sa aking utak kung bakit siya nanghihingi ng tawad. But then, another message was sent.

+63 *** *** ****

I heard about your family argument. Are you okay?

Oh.

+63 *** *** ****

I'm really sorry, Tancia. Can we please talk?

Now I get it. Because it all happened after we decided to meet at the mall. After he bought us drinks, after the mood swings, after watching cinema together, after holding hands, after a smile was plastered on my face upon seeing him leave by his car—hoping that there would be a next time—and after I opened the door and saw all of them before my eyes.

I cracked a smile. I hate him. I don't know how long ago it happened and I'm glad because it means I forget about it. But why does it hurt to recall it? I hate him right now.

Isang luha ang bumagsak sa cellphone ko kaya natauhan ang aking isipan at bumalik sa mga ganap nang mga oras na iyon. Sunod-sunod ang pagpatak ng mga luha sa cellphone ko kaya pinunasan ko ito bago pinalis ang luha sa aking mga mata. Bumuntong hininga muna ako bago binalik ang tingin sa screen.

Bwesit naman 'tong lalaking 'to, kung kailan ko na nakalimutan, binabalik pa.

I heaved a deep breath as I typed in my reply.

Ako:

I hate you.

~•~