Clear eyes (Chenji)

I guess

Would it hurt

To try something new?

I ask myself as i sit on the floor near my bed. It's been.. years? Maybe decades. I don't know anymore, i lost count. I've been making origamis, reading the same books that i at this point i have memorized, i've been doodling on the newspaper, throwing a ball at the ceiling and sleeping. It's boring, i want something new.

I definitely have over a thousand of swans.. yet i still didn't make that wish, nor do i think it would even dare to come true anymore. I'm a ghost, all i can do is stay here and hope for someone to make a proper grave.

I stare at the box full of paper made swans, some were colorful, some were words from newspapers and some were just plain white.
Would it be bad to try making a wish? I asked myself while standing up and picking up the box. I close my eyes. And say my wish out loud in my head. I place the box down on the table and stare at it. Now what.. do i just.. wait?

Sleep was as usual, cold and uncomfortable. I kept waking up from nightmares that keep repeating over and over. It's my parents leaving me dead, getting beaten up by my parents because of loving someone, getting shitly treated, my friends leaving me because im..-

My mind got cut off once i heard someone climbing up the stairs. Who in the living hell..? I stand up to go to my closet to dress up. As i was done dressing up checking to look if i look good i heard a voice calling someone called "Mark" i stop in my tracks and felt the presence near the door, i walk up to the door and shakily opening it.

It was a guy, maybe.. my age? Brown chestnut hair, cute face, way taller than me. I try to act cool though i don't think it worked well.

"Who's this?" I asked

His nervousness made me chuckle, he's cute. He reminds me of someone. Someone i used to love.

I let him inside the room, he came by again another day but i warned him about everything. He seemed like he has good friends and a family, and knowing my selfishness i'd take him away. And i don't want to do that.

He always seems to look at my eyes, why? What's so special about it? Why does he seem to happy with me? He gives me warmth, as much as i love it, i can't, i just can't get attached to him.

He wants me to go with him to the forest.. we did. The incense stick ran out and maybe it was for the best. Maybe he will think about it more and rethink his choice of being with me.

I hate what i did. It feels cold and lonely again. But it was for the best. Right? But maybe it would have been better if i kept him with me, if i begged him to light up a new incense stick.. or .. at least i got to look at the pink sky when the sun was setting..

i guess.