The World Keeps Changing

Chapter 9

Bucky was waiting for me at my door as I limped up.

"You could have just brought me with you, jerk." I handed him the bottle and opened the door. "Would have saved me a walk to the gym and back to look for you."

"Sorry. I didn't come here first. ...wasn't going to."

Well, that's a step in the right direction, I guess. I plopped on my sofa, setting the plate on the side table and cramming a piece of cheese in my mouth. And then, I looked at him expectantly, still standing in my doorway. When he didn't move I made a grabby hand at him. "Talk to me or don't, Barnes," I said testily, "but get your ass in here and gimme my wine back."

He shook his head with a huff and came in, letting the door shut behind him. I grabbed the bottle and took a long pull directly out of it as he sat down.

I set the bottle on the table next to the plate and turned to face him, curling my good leg under me. "What happened, Buck? Everything was cool and then it very wasn't."

"I know."

"What was it? Did it make you uncomfortable that I got into it? ...Or that you did?"

He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Both? I don't know... I just..."

"Hey..." I took his hand. "Hey, Bucky, it's okay. Remember that day in the gym when I said that it's understandable things would trigger you sometimes?" He nodded. "Well, sometimes those things are surprising in themselves. Things you wouldn't expect to freak you out, but they do. That's a thing, but there's always a reason. Sometimes talking can help you sort it out."

He looked at me, and his expression was pained. "I don't remember the last time I... I haven't felt something like that since before the train." His hand went to his prosthetic, looking down at it as he often did when he talked about that day and what happened after. "It's just been nothing. And then I felt something, and- "

I tilted my head and waited for him to continue, my thumb just stroking idly over his knuckles.

"Bruce said it might be like that. My healing factor gradually repairing the damage in my brain and limbic system. Just the last few days everything's been... More."

"It's okay that things feel overwhelming right now. You don't have to push yourself."

He took a deep breath. "I know, it's just... Tonight was good. It was really good. Dancing with you." I nodded. "Sitting with you. I like having you close."

"I liked all that, too, Buck." My thumb rubbed over his knuckles.

"And then when we came inside and chose something to watch it all felt so routine... so familiar. Like it's our thing, and that's nice, too."

"It is our thing. I'm glad I get to share it with you."

He looked up at me again. "Then you got hurt and I wanted to do something for you. And then you just really seemed to be enjoying it..."

"I was. Best foot rub I think I've ever had," I said earnestly.

"And then you really enjoyed it." He smirked at me, and I smirked back. "And the thought that I did something that made you feel so good, and then I," he waved vaguely at his lap, and I nodded, "and that was a lot and... fuck, it almost felt like being a horny teenager again." He groaned, "It's so hard to explain this. I... I haven't felt any of these things in so long. Just things that feel good instead of... I only hurt people for so long. I've been in pain for so long. Cookie, everything has just hurt for so long..."

My heart clenched in my chest for him and I gave his hand a squeeze. "That sounds overwhelming, Buck. It's okay to take your time."

"I didn't want you to think I was coming on to you. I don't even know if I can. I don't even know if I'm ready to think about that kind of feeling."