The World Keeps Changing

Chapter 32

It doesn't hurt me (yeah, yeah, yo)

Do you wanna feel how it feels? (Yeah, yeah, yo)

Do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? (Yeah, yeah, yo)

Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making? (Yeah, yeah, yo)

You

It's you and me

And if I only could

I'd make a deal with God

And I'd get Him to swap our places

Be runnin' up that road

Be runnin' up that hill

Be runnin' up that building

Say, if I only could, oh

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush

The next morning, I actually woke before Steve, and I managed to slip out of his arms and the bed without waking him. I often wondered how much either of the supersoldiers slept when they were alone, given how deeply and long they both slept when they were with me. Back in the Tower, Steve only overslept his morning run when he spent the night with me. He usually didn't even need an alarm. I went to the bathroom, then grabbed my robe and padded to the door to slip out to the common kitchen to put on coffee and breakfast before anyone woke. And nearly tripped over a large form in the darkened hall, blocking the doorway. It took a long moment for my eyes to adjust and work out what I was looking at.

I felt the near panic claw its way up my throat and fought it back down. "Bucky?"

He was curled in the doorway in his flying saucer lounge pants and a white tank. The dim light shining behind me showed a faint sheen of sweat over his skin, his hair stuck against his neck and face. I leaned over him a little and his eyes were wide and seeing a thousand things that weren't in the hall in front of him. His entire body shook with a fine tremor, his breath harsh and panting.

"Bucky?" I said again quietly, trying to keep my voice calm. "Buck, what are you doing out here?" I knew better than to try to touch him this deep into an episode. That whole 'not surprising people who could rip you in half' rule I had. I kept trying to talk to him, coax him back enough I could maybe touch him, help him ground himself. "Bucky, come back to me. C'mon, I need you to come back. Let me help you. You're safe, they can't hurt you here, love."

He heard my voice and rolled toward me with a groan, his eyes still wide and not looking at me. I sat on the floor in front of him, a few feet away, just out of reach. "Bucky, I need you to talk to me. Come on back. I wanna hold you, but I need to know you see me, know who I am." It didn't matter what I was saying until my voice got through, I just had to keep talking.

At this angle I could see his left shoulder now, crusted in dried blood, along with the nails of his right hand. My eyes fogged up. He hadn't done that in a while to my knowledge. "Oh, James, I'm so sorry, love..." He let out a groan at his name that ended in a broken whimper. I started softly singing "Fly Me to the Moon", trying to soothe him back to reality.

I heard Steve stir in the bedroom. He said my name blearily, realizing I wasn't there, but I kept my focus on the man in front of me.

Bucky finally started to focus in on me as I sat next to him singing quietly. My name fell out of him as a harsh croak, like his vocal cords were shredded. I didn't want to think about what had been happening, how he'd screamed during the night to make him sound like that. I had heard it once, back before he'd learned it was okay to come find me when he needed help, and I'd thought he was dying, it was a sound I never wanted to hear again, but did in my own nightmares.