LOST IN JAPAN, Lindtsey Stacey Aubrey Sevilleja

3. Never Met Her

     Blinking slowly, I stopped by the door as I felt my heart beating faster than ever before. Like it's harshly rattling on its cage. Hindi ako makahinga ng maayos. Nakaramdam din ako ng panghihina ng aking katawan kaya agad na humanap ako ng suporta.

My hand flew to the door frame.

Stacey stood there with another girl. Her eyes bore holes in my body— just like it always do before. By the look on her face, she looks like she's horried; she looks like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on her.

"Ma'am, okay ka lang po?" The staff called out, grabbing my attention.

I blinked again a couple of times and shook my head, trying my best to regain my senses. I gave him a firm nod. "Yes. Thank you sa pagdala ng gamit ko." I simply said. I quickly turned away and slammed the door shut.

Once I returned inside, I started pacing around the room. My heart still doesn't know how to calm down. Parang mawawalan na ako ng hininga kapag nagpatuloy pa 'to. I forced myself to stop by taking a seat on the bed.

3-3-3

"Three things I can see..." I whispered to myself. My eyes roamed around the room. There's nothing much. "My bag, the lamp, the red couch."

"Three things I can touch," I continued and looked down at my hands, seeing it clutching the fury white blanket. "Fur," then it moved to my pocket. "Coins," and last, "My phone."

Deep breaths, Ace. Deep breath.

"Inhale... exhale... inhale..."

When I distracted myself, I can feel my heart beat slowly settling down. I slumped myself on the bed, groaning in frustration.

I knew this would happen when Ate Franz told me about Miles' invitation. Kaya ayaw kong pumunta dahil siguradong maglo-loading na naman ako kagaya nito.

I always feel like this noong nawalan kami ng connection. I feel trapped; I feel suffocated na parang may nakahawak sa leeg ko. All of that because of the guilt that haunts me whenever I feel vulnerable. That is why I tried my best to distract myself from thinking about it.

I always fly out of the country as soon as possible before kasi I know I would see her here in the Philippines. I would see her everywhere because she's all over the place. Kapag hindi naman siya, some things would remind me of her. And that pains me even though ako naman 'yung nang-iwan.

Alam kong wala akong karapatan na masaktan kasi ako 'yung nanakit pero normal naman 'to, 'di ba? Even if I try so hard, I would always know that there was something special between us.

Something special that I cannot swallow to accept.

I always blamed her for not telling me the truth noong una pa lang. For keeping that secret away from me. I wouldn't admit to anyone na ako ang may kasalanan sa nangyari sa amin. I did it to comfort myself kasi kapag alam kong bibigay at bibigay ako sa mga boses sa utak ko kapag magpapa apekto ako.

Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako until my phone made a sound and vibrated in my pocket. It was my alarm na nagsasabing alas otso na— time na for my medication. 

I stood up from the bed, looking for a certain medicine in my bag. Pang pa kalma iyon ng nerves ko. Once I saw the small orange pill container, I pulled it out and popped one in my mouth. I hastily walked over the fridge, finding some cold water bottles. Kumuha ako ng isa at inubos iyon.

My phone vibrated from the bed once again so I walked over to it, combing messy hair using my fingers. As I fetched it up, nakita ko ang number at pangalan ni Ate na tumatawag. I swiped to the right para sagutin ang tawag.